


These Real and Vivid Dreams

by hunter_king



Series: Supernatural - J2 [24]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bottom Jared Padalecki, Drug Use, Hallucinations, M/M, Top Jensen Ackles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 13:05:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16787530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunter_king/pseuds/hunter_king
Summary: After losing his husband in a tragic car accident, Jensen spirals down a dark path. Will his friends be able to pull him back from this road? Or will he succumb to his dark impulses?





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Written for J2_ReverseBang in November 2018  
> Art by be_my_precious ([here](https://be-my-precious.livejournal.com/845494.html))  
> Beta'd by jdl71

“Dammit, Jensen!” Jared griped as he walked through the door, allowing it to slam behind him. “What is your problem?! I swear to God, you always get this way when you're around Christian!” They'd been fighting for a couple days now. Shockingly, Christian just got back into town the day before this whole thing started.

Rolling his eyes, Jensen tossed his jacket on the back of the couch. “Like what, Jared?” he asked, feigning innocence. “Like I don't want to be bothered every second of every day. It's like you're suspicious of what I'm doing when I'm hanging out with my friends without you!”

Although Christian was a very attractive man, Jared had never been jealous of him. He knew that Jensen was in love with him. Hell, he'd married him! Jared was in no way concerned about his husband cheating on him. “Jensen, I texted you three times today! That's it! And it was all important! It wasn't like I was checking up on you, or anything!”

Jensen knew that Jared would never check up on him. They didn't have that kind of marriage. But it just pissed him off that every time Christian was in town, Jared got like this. Christian was his oldest friend – that was _all_ there was to their relationship. But Jared made it out to be something that it wasn't half of the time. For the last three days, he'd been on Jensen's ass about how much he and Christian were hanging out together. “Jared, I haven't seen him in almost a year! If I want to go out with him for drinks, I don't see a problem there!”

Normally, Jared wouldn't see a problem with that, either. But Jensen knew this week was hectic! “Jen, you know I don't care about you spending time with your friends. But you _knew_ I needed help this week! I've picked up a lot of extra shifts at the clinic, and my parents are coming to town this weekend! I asked you _months_ ago to help me get the place ready!”

“Jared, it's only Wednesday!” Jensen argued. “Your parents aren't going to be here until Saturday morning! We have plenty of time to get things ready for them! It's not like they require a lot! Just some extra sets of sheets and maybe some towels! We can do that in less than 24 hours!”

Shaking his head, Jared explained, “Jensen, we still have to go to the store and get groceries! And that bed in the guest room needs to be flipped! The mattress is all hard on that side! Not to mention that we still have to fix that toilet in the bathroom. It's a lot more than just getting extra sheets out of a closet!”

If Jensen was being honest, he sometimes hated it when they had company. Jared always made a bigger deal about it than necessary. “Jared, you can go grocery shopping any time you want to! You don't _need_ me! You know what your family eats better than I do! And I'll get to the damn toilet! Your parents can use ours if it's not done for a few days, alright?”

Now, his feelings were hurt. Jensen always went grocery shopping with him. It was something they did together as a married couple. Angrily, Jared marched into the kitchen, snatching his keys off the rack where they were kept. “Fine! I'll go now!” he yelled. “You know Jensen, one day, I'm not going to be here to go grocery shopping with you! Maybe you should think about that!”

Scoffing, Jensen shook his head. “Really, Jared?” he asked. “You're going to pull that card on me? I'm almost 5 years older than you! If anyone's dying any time soon, it's going to be me!” He jumped slightly when the door slammed behind Jared. Sighing, he plopped into his chair, elbows resting on his knees as he rubbed his forehead. 

He hated fighting with Jared. They always said stuff they didn't mean, and it turned into a giant ordeal. Eventually, someone would apologize and they'd forget about it, of course, but he hated the waiting period in between when they were in the midst of the fight. 

His hand moved on its own accord, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his cell phone. He could tell that Jared was upset when he left. And Jensen knew that he was being a dick about all of this, but he just couldn't help it! He'd had a rough week so far at work, and he was just trying to blow off some steam with his friend. But Jared kept jumping down his throat about it! Honestly, Jensen didn't even understand why Jared worked at the clinic – it wasn't like they needed the extra money. Jensen made plenty of money!

After a few minutes of staring at the picture of Jared on his phone screen, Jensen smiled. His husband was so perfect with his shaggy brown hair, and his almond shaped, champagne hazel eyes. Jensen just couldn't get over how much he loved that man. Finally, Jensen cracked, dialing Jared's number. When he got his husband's voicemail, Jensen frowned. “Hey baby,” he breathed into the phone. “Look, I don't want to fight anymore. I'm sorry. I'll fix the toilet while you're at the store, and we can flip the mattress when you get back.”

As he continued, Jensen pushed himself from his seated position, pacing around the living room. “I know you've been under a lot of stress, baby. I have been too. And Christian coming to town was just bad timing. I promise I'll spend the rest of the week with you getting everything you want done so your parents have the best experience here. I love you, Jared. Drive safe, baby. I'll see you when you get home.”

With that, Jensen hung up the phone. He tucked it into his back pocket as he made his way to the garage for his tools. This toilet had been giving them fits for about three months, so he figured it was time to fix it. Not to mention, Jared would be really happy when he got home if it was finally done. And Jensen _loved_ it when Jared was happy. Especially right after they ended an argument. The make up sex was always phenomenal. 

**~~**

About an hour and fifteen minutes later, Jensen had the toilet fixed. He finally glanced at his phone as he moved towards the garage, dumping his tools off in his toolbox. Jared still hadn't gotten back to him, which was odd. Dialing Jared's number again, Jensen bit his thumb nail, a deep frown coming to his lips when he got Jared's voicemail again. “Hey baby,” he greeted. “I'm just calling to check on you. It's been over an hour since you left and I haven't heard anything. I'm getting worried. Just...call me back. I love you.”

When he hung up the phone, Jensen fell into his chair, foot bouncing on the carpet in front of him. It wasn't like Jared to ignore him. Even when they were fighting, if Jensen called him to apologize, Jared would call back almost right away. Neither one of them liked it when they were fighting, so as soon as they could fix it, they jumped on the opportunity.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, Jensen quickly jumping out of his chair and opening the door. “Jay,” he smiled as he pulled the door open, only to frown when he realized it wasn't his husband. “Oh, Chris, hey. What're you doing here? I didn't think we had plans tonight.”

“Oh, so now your best friends needs an appointment to see you, Jen?” Christian teased, shoving past Jensen into the house. “I brought beer. There's a game on TV. I figured you'd want to watch it.” Settling down on the couch, case of beer on the coffee table, Christian asked, “So, Jared's not home? I got the light shit that he likes.”

Letting the door slip from his hand, Jensen made his way towards his chair. “No, he went out to get groceries,” Jensen explained. “I told you his parents were coming to town this weekend. He wanted to make them breakfast, or something.” Again, he glanced at his phone. Still nothing from Jared. “He should be back soon.”

Christian shrugged. “Whatever. We can drink until he gets here.” Looking around the room, Christian leaned towards the opposite side of the couch to grab the remote. He turned the game on as soon as he had the remote in his possession. “Dude, have a beer. If I'm the only one drinking, I look like an alcoholic.”

A small chuckle escaped Jensen at Christian's complaint. “Dude, you very well might be an alcoholic,” he teased. “I'll drink when Jared gets here. But I can't drink a lot tonight, Chris. I was like a zombie for my meeting this morning. They're going to think I have some kind of problem.”

He couldn't help but roll his eyes when Jensen complained about a drinking problem. “You're getting to be a real pansy in your old age, Ackles,” he poked fun. “Fine. Wait for Jay to get here and then have one before you sack out. I'll drink the other five and sleep in tomorrow.” He was on vacation, dammit! Christian planned on getting drunk every night before he had to go back to work. Like black-out drunk – like in the old days.

Another hour passed by, and there was still no word from Jared. Now, Jensen was really getting worried. “Hey, have you heard from Jared at all tonight?” Jensen asked, concern clear in his voice.

“No,” Christian answered with a shrug. “Why? I thought he was out buying groceries.”

Another deep frown came to Jensen's lips. “Yeah, he is, but I haven't heard from him since he left,” Jensen explained. “I've called him and left him two messages. He just hasn't responded.” Shaking his head once more, Jensen continued, “That's not like him. I'm starting to get worried.”

Shrugging, Christian answered, “Well, he's a grown man, Jen. And didn't you tell me yesterday you guys were fighting?” Jensen nodded. “Maybe he's just getting some space. Steve used to do that all of the time when we fought. Now he just sits in my face and yells at me until I tell him I'm sorry.” Chuckling, Christian opened another beer. “Trust me, you _want_ Jared to walk out and blow off steam somewhere else.”

Although Jensen was trying to just keep his cool, he was having a lot of trouble. “No, this isn't like him,” he argued, shaking his head again. “Jared doesn't ignore my phone calls like this. Besides, I apologized on the voice mail. We're not fighting anymore. I'm worried something might have happened.”

Unable to just ignore the feeling in the pit of his stomach, Jensen pushed himself out of his chair and headed to the kitchen. Grabbing his keys, he turned his attention to Christian. “Are you coming with me, or are you gonna stay here?” he asked. “I'm going to look for Jay.”

It was clear to see that Jensen was really worried. “I'm coming,” Christian answered, pushing himself from his chair. “Don't get pulled over though. I'm bringing my beer.” Once it was opened and sitting, it tasted like shit. Christian wasn't willing to waste a perfectly good beer for a drive to the grocery store.

**~~**

About ten minutes before they got to the grocery store, Jensen was signaled to pull over. Christian quickly tossed his empty beer bottle into the back seat so the police officer that was approaching the vehicle didn't see it. Rolling his eyes at his friend, Jensen rolled down the window, brows knit in confusion as his eyes ticked from the wreckage in front of him to the police officer. “Evening,” he greeted once the officer was standing at his window.

“Where are you boys heading?” the officer asked, leaning on the open window. 

Jensen wasn't paying too much attention to the officer as he spoke. Instead, his eyes were focused on the scene in front of him. It appeared that a tractor trailer had hit another car at the intersection on the driver's side. Someone must have run the _STOP_ sign in this situation, otherwise, this could have been avoided. His eyes were locked on the car that had been hit – it looked very familiar.

Fear gripped Jensen in a vice when he read the license plate. That was Jared's car! Quickly, he pushed his door open, shoving the officer's hands off him when he tried to hold Jensen back. He could hear Christian yelling for him, but he didn't stop as he moved towards the wreckage. “Jared!” he called, desperately pleading in his head for an answer.

Before he could get too close, Jensen felt arms wrap around his waist, pulling him backward. “No! Let go of me!” he struggled, pulling at the arms around him. “That's Jared's car! I'm his husband!” Still, he wasn't let go, which caused anger to drown out the fear. Roughly, he turned in the arms of whoever was holding him, shoving the other man off. “Get the hell off of me! That's my husband!”

“Jensen, stop!” Christian ordered, grabbing his friend's arm when he was shoved away from him. “Wait!” Judging by the scene in front of them, Christian could tell it wasn't good. Jared's car was totaled – it would have been a miracle if he survived. Not that he was going to voice his opinion to Jensen. 

Unfortunately, Jensen turned away from him again just as a body was being loaded into the ambulance. _Jared's_ body. He could tell immediately that Jensen had seen it too, Christian's hands moving to grip Jensen tighter. “Hey, look at me!” he demanded as Jensen shoved at him. “Jensen, get in the car!”

With Jensen struggling against him, it took Christian a lot longer to get his friend into the car than it should have. Christian didn't even fasten either of their seat belts as he tore out of there like a bat out of hell. He needed to get them to the hospital as fast as possible. “Hey, Jen, don't let yourself spiral right now. We don't know that he's not okay.” Sure, it was kind of obvious when Jared wasn't moving, but there was a chance that he had just been unconscious. His face had been pretty banged up, after all.

The drive to the hospital was done in silence. As soon as Christian pulled into the lot, Jensen was out of the car – Christian hadn't even had a chance to put it into park. Quickly, Jensen made his way to the front desk, his whole body shaking. “Hi, um...there was an accident,” he explained to the young receptionist. “My-My husband was in an accident. On Presley Street. Did he get here yet?”

A small, sympathetic smile came to the receptionist's lips. “Let me check for you, sweetie,” she answered, moving towards the opposite side of the desk. She rummaged through some charts for a few minutes before her attention turned back to Jensen. “What's your husband's name, sweetie?”

“Um...his name is Jared,” Jensen answered, fingers tapping against the desk. “Jared Padalecki-Ackles.” It was clear from the look on the woman's face that the news he was about to receive wasn't good. Although he wanted to protest when she led him to one of the chairs in the waiting rooms, Jensen knew that she was just following protocol. And it would have been rude to fault her for that. So he thanked her instead, waving to Christian when he entered the room.

It wasn't long before a doctor approached Jensen. “Mr. Ackles?” the doctor asked. He was wearing that same sympathetic smile the receptionist had when she spoke to him. When Jensen stood, the doctor looked around the room, making sure they were alone. This information was something that needed to be done in private. “I was the responding doctor on your husband's case. When he was brought here to us...his injuries were just too extensive. I'm sorry...but there was nothing we could do.”

Jensen's world was spinning. He could hear the doctor speaking, but he couldn't make out the words. _I'm sorry...but there was nothing we could do._ It rang through Jensen's head like a mantra. Jared was gone. Jared was _dead_. He'd never get to hold him again. He'd never get to kiss his soft lips again. Never see those dimples dent his cheeks when Jared smiled at him. Never get to run his fingers through that floppy mop on Jared's head. His husband was just _gone_.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, Jensen's eyes slowly swinging up to look at Christian's face. He couldn't speak. He couldn't breathe. Jensen was just numb. _There was nothing we could do._ Black spots were pulling at his vision. _Nothing we could do._ Jared was gone. And he wasn't coming back. This wasn't supposed to happen. Jensen was older. He was supposed to go first. But that was only after many, long years of happiness between the two of them. Jared wasn't supposed to leave him. Not yet! They hadn't even gotten to live out their lives yet! _I'm sorry...but there was nothing we could do._

The last thing Jensen remembered was the hurt look on Jared's face when he walked out that door to go to the grocery store before his whole world went black.


	2. Chapter Two

Consciousness slowly started to pull at Jensen, his head rolling on the pillow as he blinked his eyes open. For a second, he didn't remember where he was, or what had happened. But when he saw the drab, white walls of the hospital, it all came rushing back. Quickly, he pushed himself into a seated position, eyes scanning the room before they finally landed on Christian. “Christian,” he groaned, his hand moving to rub at his forehead. “What happened?”

As soon as Christian realized that Jensen was awake, he pushed himself from his seat, moving next to the bed. “Hey, man,” he greeted. “You passed out while you were talking to the doctor. How are you feeling? You had me really worried there for a minute. Do you need me to get a nurse in here?”

The doctor – yeah, Jared had been in a car accident, and Jensen had been speaking with the doctor. “No, I'm fine,” he assured his friend, giving his head a small shake. He needed to get out of this room. “Where's Jared?” he asked, pushing himself further into a seated position to make it easier for him to stand. “I need to find him. I need to make sure he's okay.”

When he tried to stand, Christian stopped him, brows knit in confusion. “Jensen, man, stop,” he coaxed, pushing Jensen back in the bed. “You took a nasty fall. I mean, I grabbed you before you could smack your head, but the doctor is still going to want to take a look at you now that you're awake.”

Anger bubbled up inside Jensen when Christian told him to stop. “No,” he argued, shaking his head. “I need to go find Jared.” He felt dread seeping into every part of his body, but he tried his best to keep it at bay. Christian tried to object, but Jensen quickly cut him off. “Christian, where is my husband?!”

“He didn't make it,” Christian finally reminded, tears sliding down his cheeks. “When the cars collided, Jared took a massive hit. The doctor's tried everything to revive him, but there was just too much damage. Jen, there was nothing they could do.” He tried to pull his friend into a hug, but Jensen pushed him away.

No. No, this wasn't happening. “No,” he breathed, shoving at Christian when he tried to hug him. “No, you're lying!” Angrily, he shoved Christian's hands away again when he tried once more to hold him. He tried to struggle past Christian out of the bed, but Christian doubled his efforts as he held him down. “You're a liar! Where's Jared?!” Jensen punched at Christian's arm, trying to shove him off. “Where's my husband?! Where's my damn husband?!”

The whole time Jensen was struggling and hitting him, Christian just held him as best as he could. He could only imagine what Jensen was going through. If their roles had been reversed and he'd lost Steve, Christian wasn't even sure he'd be awake right now. Jensen was going to need all of the support he could get. And Christian was going to be here for him every step of the way. 

Having heard the commotion, one of the nurses came running into the room, frowning at Christian. “What happened?” he demanded, moving to the machines that were hooked up to Jensen so he could check all of his vitals. From what he could tell, Jensen was medically fine, so there was really nothing that needed his attention here. 

Before Christian could answer, Jensen blurted out, “I want to see my husband. You can't keep me away from him!” He was going to see Jared one way or the other. Either this nurse could take him to where they were keeping his husband, or he would leave the room, and find out on his own. If Christian wasn't lying, and Jared was truly dead, Jensen needed to see it for himself. “His name is Jared Padalecki-Ackles. Take me to him.”

At his request, the nurse led Jensen to another part of the hospital. Christian had been ordered by Jensen to stay behind. He wanted to be alone for this. Jensen followed behind him silently, watching as they passed through different double doors, and different wings. His breath caught in his chest when he saw that the nurse was leading him into the morgue. The nurse pulled open one of the drawers, throwing the blanket back to reveal Jared's body.

Unable to hold back the tears, Jensen broke down. Thankfully, the nurse left the room to give him some privacy. With shaking hands, Jensen reached out to touch his husband's face. He was so cold. “Oh God, Jay,” he sobbed. “I am so sorry! This is all my fault! I should have made you wait for me! We _always_ go grocery shopping together! I should have made you stay home with me so we could make up!” Stroking his fingers through Jared's shaggy locks, Jensen repeated, “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” It was like a mantra, just on repeat for what seemed like hours, though mere minutes had passed.

Grief hit him like a sack of bricks, Jensen falling to his knees as he clutched his abdomen. It hurt – this was an emotion he had never felt before. Sure, he'd lost people in his life – grandparents and the like – but this was so much worse. This was his husband. His _soul mate_. They'd been together since high school, and now Jared was just _gone_. Jared was _dead_. 

He wasn't sure how long he stayed in the room. His sobs had turned into more hiccuping breaths by the time he felt hands on his arms, forcing him to focus on their face rather than the spot on the floor he'd been staring at. “Chris,” he cried, throwing himself into his best friend's arms as he let the older man finally comfort him. 

**~~**

Jensen felt like a zombie. The doctor had prescribed him medication to keep him from losing his shit again before Christian had been allowed to drive him home. Now, Jensen was staring at himself in the mirror. He didn't even recognize the man staring back at him. This man looked drained of life – his cheeks were sunken in and pale. His eyes, which usually sparkled with mischief, were dull and lifeless. The suit he was wearing seemed to hang off of his body. In just a few days, Jensen could already see that he was losing weight. 

Slowly, he pulled himself away from the mirror. Christian and Steve were waiting for him downstairs. The last thing he wanted was to be late for Jared's funeral. _Jared's funeral_ – the sound of it in his head almost had Jensen spilling the meager contents of his stomach. 

He didn't talk on the ride to the funeral home. He just watched as they drove past buildings and houses. Jared had always liked the house at the top of the hill with the pond in the back yard. Jensen had tried for almost three years to get the owner's to sell it to him, but they never cracked. When he and Jared moved in to their house, Jensen had promised that they'd have a pond in their backyard. Jensen just hadn't gotten around to it – he thought they'd have more time.

The funeral went by in a blur. People Jensen didn't even know came up to him and were talking to him. Some of them were sharing their experiences with Jared – everyone had such nice memories to share. That was all Jensen had left – just memories. He was thirty years old, and a widower. It just wasn't fair! Jensen was a good, God fearing man! He hadn't done anything to deserve this sorrow! It was always the good people who suffered. He just didn't understand.

Finally, it was time to get to the cemetery, which gave Jensen a break from all of those people. It wasn't that he didn't like Jared's friends, but it was just getting to be too much. People were crying, and Jensen was about to lose his resolve. He just wanted this to be over.

As the coffin holding his husband's body was lowered into the ground, Jensen watched. The priest was rattling off some last rites, or whatever was said during a funeral, but he wasn't listening. All he could focus on was his beautiful husband getting lowered into that grave. Jared was going to be six feet under – Jensen would never see him again. How was he supposed to live with that?

The day seemed like it was dragging on as they all went back to Jensen's house. People Jensen didn't even know were coming out of the woodwork to bring him food and offer him their condolences. But Jensen wasn't interested. He just wanted to be away from all of this madness. He needed to be alone. He needed to think. Jensen wanted to be with Jared right now. But that wasn't going to happen. And he knew it. Still, there was that part inside him that thought maybe his husband was going to walk through that door and wake him up from this nightmare.

For the last few days, it had been nothing but planning. Jared was only 26, so they hadn't talked about any pre-planning for funerals and the like. Jared was still supposed to be here with him! This wasn't supposed to have happened! Jensen wished he could take it all back – he'd give _anything_ to go back to that night and just stay in with Jared talking about their damn feelings.

“Jensen?” the voice pulled his from his thoughts. “Hey, how are you?” Megan looked awful. Sure, she didn't look as bad as Jensen, but she definitely wasn't her usual, pretty self. There were dark circles under her eyes, and she looked like she'd spent the last week crying. Not that Jensen could blame her. They'd both lost Jared.

Slowly, Jensen turned so that he was facing Megan, his arms wrapping around him as the wind blew, sending chills up his spine. “Hey Megan,” he greeted, wiping the tears off his face. “How are you doing?”

A tear slid down Megan's cheek when Jensen asked how she was doing. “Honestly?” she asked, biting into her bottom lip. “I'm not doing too well. I mean, this...what happened...I just can't wrap my head around it. The car accident. Jared was always such a safe driver. But...this time, there was just nothing he could have done.” Another tear slid down her cheek as she hung her head, sniffling. “Jensen, I know that it's going to be hard, but I want to press charges against the semi-truck driver. He had been drinking, and he had no business being behind the wheel! He killed my brother! And I know that it's just going to drag everything out, but he needs to pay for this!”

Press charges? What would that do? Absolutely nothing. It wouldn't bring Jared back. And while he couldn't necessarily blame Megan for wanting justice, he couldn't help but be a little angry with the woman. Jensen didn't want to drag this out. He wanted to just be left alone and not have to think about Jared's death more than absolutely necessary. After all, it wasn't like his mind was going to let him stop thinking about it.

This was his fault. Sure, he hadn't been driving the truck, but he'd let Jared walk out that door angry. Jensen just couldn't sit there and listen. “I-I'm sorry,” he apologized, shaking his head as he made his way out of the house. “I can't be here. I-I have to go. I'm sorry.” With that, Jensen ran towards the street, getting away from everything around him. He had no idea where he was going, but he just knew that he couldn't stay there. 

By the time he was done running, Jensen was back at the cemetery. It was like he wasn't even in control of his body as he made his way to Jared's grave, falling to his knees on the freshly dug dirt. His breaths were panting out of him from the three mile run he'd made, but he didn't care. Tears were blurring his vision as he reached for the grave marker, gripping it like it was the only thing keeping him sane.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been there sobbing before the words finally started to spill out of his mouth. “Jared,” he breathed, more tears spilling down his cheeks. “Please, Jared.” As he continued to sob, Jensen began rocking back and forth, eyes going to the sky. “I can't do this. I don't know how to live here. I-I don't know how to live in a world without you in it.”

His hands slid from the grave marker to the ground, fingers burying themselves in the dirt. “Please?” he begged once more, fingers flexing against the ground. “Please come back to me? Always and forever, Jared, that's what we said.” More tears tracked down Jensen's cheeks as he turned his attention to the sky once more. “Please don't leave me? Please?”

Sobs wracked his body once more as he realized just how crazy this was. He was talking to a grave site. Jared wasn't here – he wasn't in the ground. Sure, his body was there, but his soul was gone. Jared died. And Jensen was left here to live his life without his husband. Slowly, he lowered himself onto the ground, head resting next to the grave marker as he rolled onto his right side. His left arm wrapped around his abdomen as his right reached over to lay on top of the grave.

**~~**

Jensen didn't know how long he had been lying on the grave, but he knew that the sun was down now. Christian and Steve were probably worried sick about him. Sighing, Jensen pushed himself to his feet, arms wrapping around himself as he suddenly became very aware of how much the temperature had dropped since he'd gotten here.

The walk back home was a lot longer than the run to the cemetery. When he got to the house, all of his guests were thankfully gone. He could see that Christian's car was still in the driveway, which meant he'd stuck around. He hadn't even told Christian he was leaving. He'd just taken off. Now, he felt a little bad about it. People were probably concerned.

As soon as he walked into the house, Christian pulled him into a desperate hug. His hands cupped his cheeks when he pulled back, eyes roving over Jensen's body to make sure he wasn't hurt. “I was so worried about you, man,” he admitted, pulling him back into a hug once he was satisfied that Jensen was okay. “Where did you go?”

When Christian broke the hug again, Jensen put a couple steps between them, not wanting him to try to hug him again. “I went to the cemetery,” he answered, biting into his bottom lip as he glanced around the kitchen. “I just...needed to get away for awhile. Um...where's Steve?” He figured he would have been waiting up with Christian.

“He fell asleep on your couch about thirty minutes ago,” Christian answered, a small frown on his lips. “I told him that I would wait up for you. I...figured that you went to the cemetery. I was...giving you your space.” He could see the hurt behind his best friend's eyes – written all over his face – and more than anything, he wanted to make it go away. But he couldn't help him if Jensen wouldn't let him. “Jen,” he breathed, moving closer to Jensen slowly, as if he was a wounded animal. “What can I do?”

His eyes snapped to meet Christian's when he asked what he could do. “Nothing,” Jensen answered, feeling the tears threatening to fall once more. “There's nothing anyone can do, Chris.”

A deep frown came to Christian's lips when Jensen answered him. He hadn't meant for it to come out like that. “I know,” he breathed, taking another step closer to Jensen. Again, he frowned when Jensen stepped back, putting distance between them once more. “I know there's nothing anyone can do to make the hurt go away. But...I just want to help.”

Anger started to stir inside him unbidden. He knew that Christian was just trying to be there for him, but he didn't understand why. Obviously, there was nothing anyone could do, so why bother trying. All it did was make him angry. “How?” he scoffed, shaking him head as the tears he was trying so hard to keep at bay sprang to the surface, sliding down his cheeks. “My husband is dead! He's _gone_! How are you going to help me?!”

Without another word, Christian closed the gap between himself and Jensen, pulling him into a tight embrace. He didn't care that Jensen was pushing at him, trying to get away from him. He held on tightly, fingers gripping at Jensen's back. “Shhh...Jen, it's okay,” he whispered, holding Jensen tighter when he stopped fighting. “It's okay. Just let it all out. I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere, Jen, I promise.”

He wasn't going anywhere. Jensen knew that. But right now, that was the problem. He didn't want him here. He didn't want anyone here. Especially not the person he and Jared had been fighting about. He put more power behind the push this time, getting Christian away from him. “I don't want you here!” he yelled. “I can't...be around you right now! When I look at you, all I see is Jared! You were the reason we were fighting in the first place!”

Jensen regretted the words as soon as they left his lips, his face falling once more. “Christian...I...” he started, shaking his head. “I'm sorry,” he apologized, wiping away another tear that slipped down his cheek. “I just...I need some time alone. Please?” He could see that his friend was hurt by his outburst. “I'll call you tomorrow, alright? I promise I won't do anything stupid while I'm alone.”

Although he didn't want to leave him, Christian knew that when Jensen made up his mind about something, he was dead set on it. “Okay,” he whispered, moving to the living room to wake his sleeping lover. “Call me in the morning,” he called out before he folded himself into the driver's seat of his car and pulled out of the driveway.

Once he was alone, Jensen made his way up the stairs, stopping outside of his and Jared's bedroom. Without thinking, he pushed the door open, closing it behind him once he was inside. Nothing had changed in the last week – everything was the same inside this room. The only thing missing was Jared. He sighed as he made his way to the closet, pulling out an old photo album.

He made his way to the bed with the album, opening it once he had taken a seat. Inside, there were photos of him and Jared. It was Jared's sixteenth birthday party. He had been so happy. Jensen documented everything from the cake to the picture of Jared holding the keys to his brand new car. A sad smile came to Jensen's face at the memory.

Turning the page, Jensen was now looking at the photos from Jared's twenty first birthday. Honestly, Jensen didn't remember much from the night. He'd gotten hammered, and Jared had gotten him home. Hell, he'd even tucked him in and left the garbage can by his bed in case he puked in the middle of the night.

More tears tracked down his cheeks as he continued to look through the photo album. Eventually, he fell asleep, head resting on the photo album as his mind took him to dark places. He dreamed about Jared – about how he was responsible for his husband's death. And how because of his stupidity, he was never going to see Jared again.


	3. Chapter Three

Jensen glared at the bottle of pills sitting on the counter in front of him. Weeks had passed since he'd been prescribed the medication, and it just didn't seem to be helping him. Honestly, he was debating on whether or not he should even take them at this point. 

Before he could make up his mind, there was a knock at the door. Sighing, he pushed himself away from the counter, moving towards the living room. A small frown came to his lips when he opened the door to find Misha Collins standing on the other side. “Misha?” he greeted. “Did we make plans that I forgot about?” Jensen had been doing that a lot these days.

“No,” Misha answered as he pushed his way into Jensen's house. “I just wanted to stop by and make sure you were okay. Danneel called and said you seemed off at work today.” Smiling at the younger man, Misha explained, “She wanted to come here on her own, but she ended up having to work late, so you're stuck with me.”

A small frown came to Jensen's lips at Misha's explanation. He'd just lost his husband – of course he wasn't okay! “Oh,” he mumbled, allowing the door to fall closed behind Misha. “I mean...I'm as okay as I can be. I told Danni I'd have that report out to her by tomorrow morning. I brought it home to work on it tonight.” 

At least that was the plan. Usually, when Jensen got off work, he'd come home, take his medication, and then pass out on the couch. Which was the exact reason Jensen was so far behind on most of his jobs in the last few weeks. Thankfully, they were being lenient with him because of everything that happened, but he knew that wasn't going to last for long. Another thing he blamed on the medications – they made him so tired he could barely keep his eyes open.

Misha followed Jensen into the kitchen as he spoke. His eyes landed on the pill bottle sitting on the counter almost immediately. “Yeah, well, Danni said she doesn't really need it any earlier than that,” he agreed. “She still has a few things to keep her occupied before she's on your ass about that specific report.” Not entirely sure how to properly bring up the bottle, Misha just blurt it out. “So, what kind of medication do they have you on now?”

Although he and Misha were pretty close friends, Jensen wasn't one to discuss his medical business with anyone. No one at the office even knew he was taking anything since the accident. Sure, they all speculated something, but no one had ever asked. And he hadn't even seen most of his friends since the funeral. Christian had gone back home with Steve a few days later, but he still called sometimes to check on Jensen. “Um...they have me on Ativan,” he admitted. “For the depression and anxiety after...everything.” Moving towards the fridge, Jensen pulled out a water bottle, offering it to Misha who declined. “But I think I'm going to talk to them about switching to something else. This just makes me so tired. I can barely think straight most of the time.”

Now, Misha wasn't a doctor, but he did know a thing or two about some things. “Yeah, well the doctors don't really care about the side effects when they throw pills at their patients,” Misha mused. He picked up the bottle of pills and slowly turned it in his hand. “You know, Jensen, I have something a lot better than this. If you really want to try switching up your medication.”

Interest piqued, Jensen slowly lowered the water bottle he was holding from his lips. He knew that Misha was one to party pretty hard on some occasions, so there was a part of him that was hesitant to even ask what he was referring to. When Jared had been alive, he and Misha didn't necessarily get along because Jared didn't agree with his lifestyle. Sure, he'd never straight up told Jensen not to see the other man, but there was an unspoken rule, almost.

 _Jared_. Every time he came across Jensen's mind, he would feel a pang of hurt shoot straight through his whole body. It was almost crippling. At this point, Jensen would try just about anything to make the pain go away. “What do you have?” Jensen finally asked, tongue dragging along his suddenly too dry lips.

Placing the bottle back on the counter where he'd picked it up, Misha turned his full attention to Jensen. “I have pills that could rock your world, Jen,” he explained. Reaching into his pocket, Misha pulled out a small baggie containing about ten small, white tablets. “I have more in my car if you want them. These babies will make all of your problems disappear. You won't have to worry about not getting your work done because you'll be able to run for _days_ without sleep.”

Slowly, Jensen reached for the baggie. “What is it?” he asked, fiddling with the pills through the plastic. 

“Methamphetamine,” Misha answered as if it was the most innocent thing in the world. “Just take it and see how fast your world improves. You'll be amazed.”

Jensen's eyes snapped up to Misha. “Methamphetamine?” he repeated. “Like meth? The _illegal_ drug meth?”

A small scoff escaped Misha as he waved his hand. “Dude, doctors prescribe this shit all of the time,” Misha argued. “Some chunky but funky girl comes walking into that clinic saying that she's tried every diet out there and she can't lose weight, they slap her with a dose of this stuff.” Seeing that his friend wasn't convinced, Misha added, “This is perfectly safe, Jensen. Just use it the right way, and no one will ever know you're on it. Your energy is going to skyrocket when you take this. You'll start to feel more like yourself in no time.”

Still, Misha could see that Jensen wasn't convinced. It was time to bring out the big guns. “Look Jen, I know how hard it's been for you since Jared died,” he started. “This can help with that too. When I lost my cousin, I started taking this. It was like he was with me every day. I could _see_ him again. And talk to him. It was one of the only things that got me through most days.” Slapping Jensen on the shoulder, Misha gave his friend a small smile. “Just try it. Trust me, you won't be disappointed.”

**~~**

Jensen glared at the bottle of pills sitting on the counter in front of him. On the one hand, the doctor had prescribed these and he knew that he was supposed to take them. But on the other hand, the baggie of pills sitting right next to him were apparently safer, and they would be more effective. His eyes ticked to the table where he'd thrown his bag after work. There was a report in there that needed to be done as soon as possible. And Jensen was already dead tired, although he really hadn't done anything to make him that way.

His hand wrapped around the baggie, prying the ziploc open. He weighed the small pill in his hand for a moment, just staring at it. Misha said this was equivalent to the best cup of miracle coffee Jensen could possibly imagine. The energy definitely wouldn't be a bad thing.

“Fuck it,” Jensen finally mumbled, tossing his head back as he shoved the pill between his lips. Once he swallowed, Jensen moved to pull the report from his bag. Even if he was going to fall asleep on top of his work, he could at least get some of it done. 

Surprisingly, Jensen managed to get the report done and work on some of his other reports that he'd been slacking on. The fatigue he'd felt earlier that night was almost completely gone. It was a miracle – just like Misha had described. In just a few short hours, Jensen had managed to get more work done than he'd been able to achieve in almost three weeks. He'd have to remember to call Misha tomorrow and thank him for the help.

Once all of his reports were finished, the pale morning light was beginning to shine through the curtains. Glancing at his watch, Jensen saw that it was almost 6 AM, and he still wasn't tired. He pushed himself from his chair then, moving to the bedroom and grabbing a pair of jersey shorts and a T-shirt. His fingers curled around his iPod as walked out of the room, grabbing his sneakers with his free hand.

It had been a long time since he'd been able to take a run before work. Before he got his promotion, he and Jared used to run every morning. It was another one of those things that they'd gotten to do together. But then Jensen had been promoted, and Jared started working at the clinic, and it just kind of stopped. Jared had always said though that nothing kick started your day like a good old fashioned run – Jensen was going to test that theory now.

By the time Jensen got back to his house, it was nearly 6:45. He took a quick shower before he gathered all of his reports back into his bag and headed to the office. Needless to say, Danneel was _very_ impressed when he handed her all of the reports that he'd been backed up on as well as the most recent one she needed for the coming work day.

**~~**

Three days, twelve hours, forty two minutes, and seventeen seconds – that's how long it had been since Jensen slept. Surprisingly, he wasn't even a little bit tired. He'd just finished cleaning out his fridge, and now he was going through all of the food in his pantry. It was amazing what he could get done when he wasn't plagued by the fatigue he'd been dealing with for weeks on end.

It was finally the weekend and he had two whole days to get stuff done around the house that he had been neglecting. The whole house needed a good once over. Honestly, Jensen couldn't remember the last time he'd vacuumed or taken the _Swiffer_ to any of the furniture. Jared always used to do all of that stuff.

The guest shower definitely needed some attention. For some reason, the hot water wasn't working. That was more Jensen's territory – he planned on getting to that as soon as the pantry was cleaned out. At some point, Jensen knew he was going to have to make a grocery store run. There wasn't much left in the line of food items. Sure, he still didn't eat much these days, but Danneel would come over sometimes to investigate the household stock. She was always on his ass about eating properly – 3 meals a day, and all that shit.

At least Jensen had a decent amount of oatmeal that he could take to work for breakfast. And someone was always catering lunch to the office, so he could eat that. Mainly, he just had to worry about dinner. Half of the time, he didn't eat it since he was so focused on keeping himself busy these days, but sometimes he took the time to treat himself. Again, it was mostly on those days that Danneel started asking him questions about his dietary habits.

As soon as Jensen was finished with the pantry, he moved to the fridge once more, jotting down a few food items that needed replacing on the grocery list. His attention snapped to a photo hanging on the fridge, a small smile coming to his lips. Jared was holding his niece for the first time in the photo – he looked so happy.

Before the accident, Jensen and Jared had been talking about possibly adopting. They both loved children, so it made sense that they would want to start a family of their own. It was one of those things that they'd talk about late at night while they cuddled in their bed after a long night of love making. Another one of those things Jensen had never gotten around to getting done. He just always assumed they would have more time.

A single tear slid down his cheek. Quickly, Jensen wiped it away, fingers pulling away from the photo as he turned towards the island once more. His fingers wrapped around the small bag of pills like they were his lifeline. Taking a swig of his water, Jensen popped one of the small tablets into his mouth, rubbing the back of his hand over his lips as he swallowed the medication down. He needed to stop letting his mind wander – there were things that needed done.

The next order of business took a lot longer than cleaning out his fridge and pantry. After an hour and fifty two minutes, though, Jensen had the shower working correctly in the guest bathroom. He wasn't really sure why he cared so much. It wasn't like he had a lot of visitors. For the most part, he kept to himself. Sometimes, Danneel would come over. Or Misha. But neither of them stayed long enough to need a shower. 

He hadn't seen Christian since he left. And Jared's family didn't really come by all that much anymore, either. Jensen's family would call to make sure he was okay, but they hadn't been here since the funeral. Jensen always used the guest shower these days, but he didn't really mind the cold water. He was never in there long enough for it to bother him. But Jared always hated it when things stayed broken, so Jensen was staying on top of it. Especially now that he hardly ever slept. It gave him a lot more time to get things done.

One glance at the clock told him that it was almost 7 AM already. By the time he went for his run and took a shower, the grocery store would be open. Without another thought, Jensen moved to change into his running gear. Like clockwork, 45 minutes later, he was back at the house and getting into the shower. 

At around 8:15, he was heading out the door, grocery list tucked safely in his pocket. Because he'd gone so early, the place was luckily not too crowded. He was able to get his items and get out of there in a timely fashion. He drove the long way around so he didn't have to see the scene of Jared's accident every time he had to go get groceries – the memory was still too fresh. He didn't want to have to see those images in his head.

Once he was home, he put the groceries where they belonged before he grabbed the bucket of cleaning supplies and got to work. He even went as far as to scrub down the walls. Jared would have liked that. The steps got vacuumed, as well as the landing, which Jensen usually ignored when he was on sweeper duty. He even took the extension to the ceilings in case there were any cobwebs lurking there that he couldn't reach with his sponge.

The furniture and the televisions were dusted with the _Swiffer_ before Jensen vacuumed around them just in case he got dust anywhere. He didn't like re-doing his work – he wanted it done correctly the first time. Jensen even moved all of the picture frames and knick-knacks so he could dust under them, which he would have generally slacked off on.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, he had finished the whole house. Well, with the exception of his bedroom. Jensen didn't usually go in there unless he had to. And when he did, he didn't stay long. He got in there, got what he needed, and bolted out. Honestly, he was in the process of moving his clothes to the guest room, albeit slowly. There were just too many memories in the master bedroom – Jensen hated being in there.

Sighing, he pushed the vacuum cleaner into the room, his bucket held tightly in his free hand. Because he was never in here, the room wasn't too bad. But Jensen gave it the same amount of attention he'd given the other rooms – wiped down the walls, moved the picture frames, and vacuumed the floor and the ceiling. He did the same with the master bathroom.

Jensen didn't waste time, quickly leaving the room once he was finished with his tasks. The door slammed closed behind him, Jensen all but fleeing the room in his haste to escape the memories that were threatening to overwhelm him. Needless to say, he felt a lot better when he was back in the kitchen, his fingers gripping the edges of the island as he took several deep breaths.

Tears sprung to the backs of his eyes, threatening to fall. _You know, Jensen, one day, I'm not going to be here to go grocery shopping with you!_ The tears started to slip down his cheeks. _Really, Jared? You're going to pull that card on me? I'm almost 5 years older than you! If anyone's dying any time soon, it's going to be me!_

Without thinking, Jensen turned towards the table. His hands wrapped around the back of one of the chairs, Jensen letting out a shout as he threw the chair into the fridge with as much force as he could muster. Luckily, neither item broke as Jensen slid down the island, back pressed against the wood. His head fell to rest in his hands as sobs wracked his body. _His injuries were just too extensive._

His attention turned to the fridge, staring at the photo of him and Jared on their wedding day. _I'm sorry...but there was nothing we could do._ More tears tracked down his cheeks, Jensen slowly shaking his head. _One day, I'm not going to be here to go grocery shopping with you!_ He felt like he couldn't breathe. _If anyone's dying any time soon, it's going to be me!_

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Jensen saw something moving in the living room. His hands dragged along his cheeks, wiping the tears away as he slowly pushed himself to his feet. “Hello?” he called out, moving towards the living room. He caught a glimpse of shaggy brunette locks attached to a tall, chiseled body before it disappeared down the stairs. “Hey! Who are you?!” he demanded, following after the intruder.

When he made it to the last stair, Jensen stopped in his tracks. There, standing by the pool table, plain as day, was his husband. “Jared?” he asked, brows knitting in confusion as the younger man's champagne hazel eyes stared back at him.


	4. Chapter Four

He was going crazy. That was the only explanation for seeing Jared right here in front of him, leaning on the pool table like he'd done so many times before. “Jay,” he breathed, gaze dropping to the floor as he felt tears well up in his eyes once more. Maybe he was dreaming. If he closed his eyes and counted to ten, this would all be over.

 _Seven, eight, nine, ten_. His eyes landed on the pool table again. Still, Jared was standing there with his goofy grin as if he was just waiting for Jensen to get closer. “How are you here?” Jensen asked, slowly moving towards his husband.

“I was kinda hoping you could tell me,” Jared answered, eyes never leaving Jensen. “I mean, the last thing I remember is us fighting, and then all of a sudden, nothing.” Glancing around the room, Jared smiled, dimples out in full force. “I love that you've cleaned the place. It looks really nice.”

Slowly, Jensen reached forward, hand cupping Jared's cheek. He'd expected the younger man to disappear as soon as he touched him, but he didn't. Instead, Jensen felt his husband's smooth skin beneath his palm, a small cry escaping his parted lips. “Baby?” he whispered, his free hand moving to touch Jared's chest. “You're really here.”

Jared's smile widened when Jensen touched him, his head turning in Jensen's grip to kiss his palm. “I'm really here, Jen,” he smiled. His own hand came up to hold Jensen's, fingers curling around his lover's hand. “You look tired, babe.”

Another small sob broke from Jensen, his palm tingling where Jared's lips brushed against his skin. “I've missed you so damn much,” he admitted, moving to lace his fingers in Jared's as he pulled his hand away from his face. “I'm so sorry, baby. Everything that happened – it was all my fault.” _One day, I'm not going to be here to go grocery shopping with you!_ “I didn't mean anything I said, baby. Please, forgive me?”

Tears tracked unbidden down Jensen's cheeks as he begged Jared to forgive him. “Shhh...babe, don't worry about it,” Jared whispered, fingers wiping away the evidence of his husband's sadness. “You look awful. Have you been getting any sleep since I've been gone?” He didn't wait for an answer, instead pressing his palm against Jensen's chest, giving him a gentle shove backwards. “C'mon, we gotta get you to bed.”

Although bed sounded really nice, Jensen wasn't really tired. Sure, Jared kept telling him that he _looked_ tired, but he didn't _feel_ it. “No!” he complained, stopping Jared from trying to lead him to bed. “I can't sleep right now. You're here...and if I go to sleep, you might not be here anymore. And I can't...I can't lose you again.”

Smile getting impossibly wider, Jared leaned close to Jensen, whispering in his lover's ear. “Who said anything about sleep?” he whispered. Pulling back, Jared started moving towards the stairs. When he reached them, he turned towards Jensen, teeth caught between his teeth. “Are you coming?” he asked, left hand extending for Jensen to take.

Without hesitation, Jensen moved to take Jared's hand. He allowed Jared to lead him up the steps, his mind reeling. He was actually with Jared right now – it was unreal. Jensen had no idea what was happening, but he wasn't really planning on looking into it. All that mattered right now was the fact that Jared was _here_. Jensen could touch him, and talk to him, and he was here.

When Jared tried to lead him to their room, Jensen's steps faltered. He didn't want to go in there. “Jay, I can't...go in there,” he argued, shaking his head. “I don't spend a lot of time in there since...everything happened.”

Using the grip he had on Jensen's hand, Jared continued to pull him along. “Come on, babe,” he coaxed. “I remember this used to be our favorite room.” He could see that Jensen was still hesitant, so he stopped trying to get him to move. Instead, he ducked his head, teeth sinking into his bottom lip once more. “D-Do you not want me?”

“Of course I do,” he assured the younger man. He hated seeing that look on Jared's face – he hated that he put it there even more. “C'mere baby,” he whispered, fingers tucking under Jared's chin before he lifted his husband's head. “I always want you.” With that, Jensen leaned in, crushing his lips against Jared's in a heated kiss. 

As the kiss continued, Jared pulled Jensen towards their room. Jensen's hand wrapped around the knob, flinging the door open as he followed Jared inside. Jared's knees hit the mattress, causing him to fall back onto the bed. Jensen followed him, their lips never losing contact. “Ungh...Jen,” Jared moaned, back arching off the bed towards his husband, pressing their bodies close.

Slowly, Jensen pulled back, gazing at Jared. “I love you,” he whispered, fingers petting through Jared's shaggy chestnut locks. “Please don't leave again.” His grip on Jared tightened just a bit, almost as if Jensen was trying to reassure himself that Jared was actually here. “I can't lose you again, baby. I can't.” Again, he crushed their lips together, tongue pushing into Jared's mouth to map out the familiar cavern.

Only when the need for oxygen was too great did Jensen pull back, both men panting out their breaths. “I'm not going anywhere,” Jared promised, hazel eyes searching Jensen's face. His hand cupped Jensen's cheek again, thumb rubbing soothing circles into his skin. “You look so tired, babe.”

Before Jared could start in on getting some sleep, Jensen dipped his head, mouth pressing against the side of Jared's briefly before he dragged his lips along Jared's cheek, down to his jaw, then lower to his neck. His teeth scraped across the long column of Jared's neck when the younger man turned his head, exposing more of his neck to him. His hips ground down against Jared, showing his husband just what he was doing to him. “Missed you so much, Jay,” he breathed against Jared's skin.

Jared's fingers fisted in Jensen's hair, pulling him closer as he assaulted his neck. Soft moans and groans broke from Jared's lips as Jensen continued to work his sweet spots, Jared's hands slowly sliding down Jensen's back, gripping the hem of Jensen's T-shirt when he reached his destination. “Get this off,” he ordered, hips bucking up to meet Jensen's.

Once Jensen's shirt was off, Jensen quickly removed Jared's as well. “So beautiful, baby,” he complimented. Dipping his head, Jensen sucked one of Jared's nipples between his lips, tongue and teeth teasing the bud to hardness. His hand moved to tease its twin, pinching the bud between his fingers as he looked up at Jared for his reaction. The groan he got in response told him Jared was enjoying it, so he kept going.

Satisfied that Jared's nipple had been teased enough, Jensen moved to suck its twin between his lips. His hands slid between them, unfastening Jared's jeans as his hand pressed against his lover's crotch. Again, Jared moaned, causing Jensen to smile around his skin. Without wasting any more time, Jensen tucked his thumbs beneath the waistband of Jared's jeans and boxers, tugging them down Jared's narrow hips.

Without warning, Jensen dipped his head, taking Jared's cock into his mouth to the root in one swift motion. Another moan was dragged out of Jared, Jensen pressing his hands against Jared's hips to keep the younger man from bucking into his mouth. His head bobbed as he hollowed out his cheeks, giving Jared all he had. He wanted to make his husband feel good after not being with him for so long. Jared's hand in his hair kept his pace steady, Jensen slowly reaching down to fondle Jared's balls.

After a few more minutes, Jared pulled Jensen off him. “Jen, babe...you're gonna make me cum,” he warned. “C-Come here and kiss me.” He used his grip on Jensen's hair to tug at him gently – not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to let him know that he wanted him to listen. Luckily, Jensen got the hint, crawling back up Jared's body to crush their lips together once more.

When the kiss broke, Jared's hands moved to the fastenings of Jensen's jeans, popping the button open and dragging the zipper down. As Jared pulled Jensen's jeans off, Jensen reached for the nightstand where they kept the lube, pulling the bottle out and placing it on the bed beside Jared's arm. His body moved to blanket Jared's, lips once again attacking the younger man's neck. Meanwhile his fingers popped open the cap on the lube, Jensen coating his digits liberally before tossing the bottle aside again.

“Jen, stop teasing me,” Jared complained, hips bucking against his lover. “Please...make love to me, babe. I want you so bad.” His eyes nearly rolled back in his head when Jensen pushed his index finger past the tight ring of muscles, Jared’s hips arching off the bed slightly to offer Jensen better access. 

Slowly, Jensen moved his lube-slicked finger in and out of Jared’s tight pucker, biting into his bottom lips as he watched Jared's reaction. God, he'd missed him so much. “Gotta get you ready baby,” he argued with a shake of his head as he crooked his finger inside Jared, smiling when he got the reaction he was looking for. He added another finger, smiling when Jared moaned and arched against him once more. 

Jared's body was humming with pleasure. His hips pressed back against Jensen's hand, helping his lover open him up as fast as possible. He'd waited long enough to be with Jensen – he wanted him _now_. “Babe, please,” he begged. “M'ready, please? Don't make me wait anymore. I can take it. You know that, Jen.”

Normally, Jensen would have made Jared wait because he liked to make sure that he was absolutely ready before giving in. But it had been so long since he'd _seen_ Jared, let alone been with him this way. He didn't think he could wait anymore than Jared was willing to. “Okay baby,” he breathed, lips pressing against Jared's once more. Pulling his fingers from Jared’s hole, Jensen quickly lubed up his cock and pressed at his lover’s entrance. 

When Jensen pressed his dick against him, Jared moaned, pressing back against his husband in an attempt to make Jensen go faster. He wanted Jensen inside him so badly, he could almost cry because Jensen was making him wait so long. Another deep moan escaped between his parted lips as Jensen pushed into him, the younger man biting into his bottom lip as his head pressed back into the mattress, his eyes squeezed closed in pleasure. 

Once he was sheathed fully inside Jared, Jensen stopped moving, letting the younger man get used to the intrusion. He didn’t care how many times Jared insisted that he could handle him; he wasn’t going to move too fast and hurt Jared. Instead, he kissed the younger man to stifle his arguments and pleas for Jensen to move, tongue pressing past both lips and teeth to battle with Jared’s own, a small moan escaping him only to be swallowed up in the kiss. 

Of course, Jensen knew that wasn’t going to distract Jared long, so he gradually started to move his hips, letting Jared get adjusted further while at the same time giving him exactly what he wanted. A small smile came to his lips when Jared moaned and pushed back against him, meeting him thrust for thrust. Meanwhile, his lips trailed a hot line of kisses from Jared’s lips down his jaw line to his neck, Jensen teasing the sensitive flesh there because he knew Jared loved it.

As Jensen continued to tease him, Jared moaned softly, head turning to the side to offer up more of his neck to Jensen’s attention. “Ungh…Jen, please…more babe, please?” Jared begged, fingers digging into Jensen’s back where he was holding onto him now as his ass pressed back against Jensen’s hips, silently begging Jensen to give him more, hoping the verbal and the silent pleas would get him what he wanted. He was all for foreplay and teasing some nights, but not when he wanted this so damn badly he couldn’t think of anything else.

Before Jared had a chance to beg anymore, Jensen quickly yanked him off the bed and into his lap, figuring he could let Jared lead for a little while since he seemed to know what he wanted and just how he wanted it. Besides, he kind of liked letting Jared ride his dick. Jared knew exactly what he was doing and he always made Jensen feel so damn good – and they both needed that right now. Especially with everything that had happened in the last few weeks. 

Jared didn’t hesitate once Jensen had pulled him into his lap, the younger man quickly maneuvering his legs around so that he was straddling Jensen before he crushed their lips together. As he kissed Jensen, Jared used the grip he now had on his lover’s shoulders to push himself off Jensen’s dick, using his knees to help ease the movement as his thighs squeezed Jensen’s hips. At the rate he was going, he knew there was no way either of them was going to last long, but he didn’t care. The end result was going to be the same; they were going to get what they both wanted and it was going to feel great.

“J-Jen,” Jared breathed, his breaths stuttering out of him with each jab of Jensen’s dick against his prostate. “M’gonna cum,” he whispered, wanting to let Jensen know when he was ready because it was so much better when they reached their climax together. “Oh God babe, m’gonna cum. Please…cum with me.”

Hearing Jared beg him to cum like that had Jensen stumbling over the edge just as Jared did, his seed filling Jared and seeping out past his cock as Jared’s own cum coated his stomach and even splashed onto his chest a little. He hissed softly when Jared pulled off him, Jensen immediately rolling onto his side so he could wrap his arm around Jared. “You were amazing baby,” he whispered, pressing his lips against Jared’s lovingly.

A small chuckle escaped Jared when Jensen told him he was amazing, the younger man giving his head a small shake. “You’re surprised by that?” he asked, knowing Jensen wasn’t but feeling the need to tease his lover anyway. When Jensen assured him that he wasn’t, Jared smiled widely, glad to hear that his theory had been correct. He then snuggled up against Jensen, tucking his face into the crook of Jensen’s neck where his scent was the strongest before he closed his eyes. “M’tired,” he mumbled.

As soon as Jared’s face was pressed into the crook of his neck, Jensen immediately began combing his fingers through his lover’s hair, smiling softly when Jared told him he was tired. Honestly, Jensen was starting to feel the pull of sleep too, now that Jared mentioned it. “Yeah, me too, baby,” he whispered, lips pressing against the top of Jared's head. “Sleep with me.”

A small smile came to Jared's lips as he turned his attention to Jensen. Slowly, his hand reached up to cup his husband's cheek. “You look tired,” he repeated. “Get some sleep. M'not going anywhere.” Again, Jared pressed his face into the crook of Jensen's neck, eyes slipping closed. His hand rested on top of Jensen's, thumb rubbing circles into the back of the older man's hand.

**~~**

Jensen woke in a cold sweat, eyes darting around the dark room. The first thing he noticed was that he was alone, panic slowly starting to set in. There was no light on in the bathroom, which led him to believe it was empty as well. “Jared?” he called out, pushing himself into a seated position. “Baby? Are you here?”

His whole body ached as he pushed himself out of the bed. “Jay?” he called again, eyes squinting when he stepped in front of the window and was bombarded by the early morning sunlight. Frowning, Jensen pushed on, moving towards the living room. “Baby? Where'd you go?” Still, no answer. The panic he'd been feeling earlier kicked up a notch as he jogged down the steps, checking every inch of the house for his husband.

Finally, Jensen headed back into the kitchen, mind reeling. What the hell had happened? His eyes landed on the baggie of methamphetamine that Misha gave him. _When I lost my cousin, I started taking this. It was like he was with me every day. I could_ see _him again. And talk to him. It was one of the only things that got me through most days._ Was he...hallucinating?

No. He hadn't just _seen_ Jared. He had been here. Jensen touched him. They'd kissed. Hell, they'd made love! Hadn't they? Taking a moment to look at himself, Jensen realized that he was wearing his boxers. He didn't put those on when he got out of bed this morning. And to his knowledge, he'd slept in his birthday suit the night before.

The sound of his phone dragged Jensen out of his thoughts. Quickly, he grabbed it off the counter, flipping it open. “What?” he asked, not even bothering to see who was calling him. “What? Danni, slow down. What are you talking about?” A deep frown came to his lips when she asked where he was. “I'm at home. Why?” His eyes widened when Danneel explained he should be at work. “What do you mean work? It's Sunday!”

One look at the date on his watch told him that he was wrong. “Fuck!” he gasped, moving to the spare bedroom where he kept all of his work clothes. “Yeah, I'll be there in a little bit. Bye!” So not only was he hallucinating, but he was losing time, too. Great. Sighing, Jensen slammed the door shut, speeding down the highway to get to work before someone else called him to ask about his whereabouts.


	5. Chapter Five

Jensen was on edge. He hadn't slept since that night he'd shared with Jared. Or the night he _thought_ he'd shared with Jared. And Misha was no help. Not really. When Jensen explained the situation, Misha told him it was normal. But Jensen didn't feel normal. He was sucking down these pills like candy, and he still hadn't seen Jared again. Sure, a glimpse here or there, maybe, but nothing like it had been that first time. 

And to top it off, Jensen was almost out of pills. Not that he was too concerned about it. After all, they weren't really working at this point. Jared wasn't anywhere to be seen in the last 48 hours, so what was the point of taking them? Jensen was right back to where he'd been when he was taking the Ativan. The only perk now was the energy he had. Sighing, he popped the last pill between his lips, chasing it down with a swig of his water.

His house was at least clean all of the time now. And he was sticking with his running routine, which his body would thank him for later in life, he was sure. Grabbing a beer, Jensen headed into the living room. There had to be something on television to keep him busy until it was time to go to work. He finally settled on reruns of _Law & Order_, figuring it was better than watching _The Golden Girls_ , which seemed to be his only two options at the time.

“ _Law & Order_?” came a voice from the couch, causing Jensen to jump nearly out of his skin. “Really? Jen, I thought you hated this show.”

A wide smile came to his lips when Jensen saw Jared sitting on the couch. He was wearing his usual annoyed pucker that he got when Jensen was in charge of the remote and he was making him watch something he didn't want to. “Baby,” he greeted, pushing himself off the chair and moving to the couch. His arms were around Jared before the younger man could disappear into thin air like he'd been doing the last few days. “God, where have you been?”

Without hesitation, Jared returned the hug, face pressing into Jensen's neck. “I've been right here,” he answered, pulling Jensen impossibly closer. Pulling back from the hug, Jared cupped Jensen's cheek. “You look tired again, babe,” he chastised. “Have you not been sleeping again?”

Unable to keep from leaning into the touch, Jensen turned his head and pressed a kiss to Jared's palm. “Baby, the last time I fell asleep, you were gone when I woke up and I couldn't find you again,” he explained. “So no, I haven't been sleeping. I can't run the risk of losing you again.”

Frowning, Jared gave his head a small shake. “Babe, you can't just not sleep,” Jared chastised. “It's dangerous. The human body needs an average of 6 hours a night. _At least_.” Slowly, Jared pushed himself off the couch, one hand extending to Jensen. “Come on, babe. Come to bed with me.”

The last thing Jensen wanted was to go to bed. “No,” he argued, taking Jared's hand and pulling the younger man back onto the couch. “Baby, if I go to sleep, you might not be here when I wake up.” He could see that Jared was going to protest, Jensen quickly surging forward and crushing their lips together to keep Jared quiet. “Just stay with me,” he breathed against the younger man's lips when the kiss broke.

Although Jared wanted to protest, there was just no way he could when Jensen was begging like that. “Alright,” he whispered, brushing his lips against Jensen's once more. “But only for a little while. You have to be at work in the morning, Jen. We're going to have to get some sleep at some point.” Again, he pressed his lips against his lover's. “I'll still be here when you wake up. I'm not going anywhere.”

Sadly, Jensen whispered, “That's what you said last time.” His fingers carded through Jared's hair. “And when I woke up, you were gone. Please...baby, just stay with me. M'not even tired. I can stay awake with you.”

“Your mouth is saying one thing, but your face is saying something completely different,” Jared explained, thumb gently brushing against the dark circles under Jensen's eyes. “Babe, not to sound like a broken record or anything, but you look so tired. And have you lost weight? Are you not eating, Jen?” Shaking his head, Jared teased, “I swear, I leave you for a couple weeks, and you just completely let yourself go.”

Jensen didn't want to talk about his personal habits right now. He didn't know how much time he had with Jared, and he didn't want to waste a single second. “It's been almost a month,” Jensen corrected, pushing Jared's bangs out of his face. “God, I miss you _every_ day, baby. Please...don't leave me again.”

Again, Jared leaned in, crushing his lips against Jensen's as his fingers carded through his husband's short cropped hair. “I'll never leave you,” Jared promised when he pulled back. “Well, since you're not going to sleep with me, what do you wanna do to pass the time? You still have about five hours before you have to leave for work.”

Shaking his head, Jensen answered, “I don't care. Just wanna be with you.” He allowed Jared to get them into a more comfortable position on the couch, his fingers carding through Jared's hair once more when the younger man's head was on his chest.

They spent the next few hours just talking about nothing. Jensen told Jared what he was working on at the office now, and how Danneel was making sure that he ate properly for the most part. And Jared told Jensen how happy he was to see that the house was staying clean, and Jensen had finally fixed the bathroom. 

When it was time for Jensen to go to work, he almost called off. He didn't want to leave Jared. “Are you going to be here when I get back?” he asked, biting into his bottom lip as he waited for Jared's answer. “Because I can call in sick today. We can do whatever you want to do.”

Jared chuckled softly when Jensen suggested calling out sick. “Babe, you can't call off,” Jared argued with a shake of his head. “You're busy. They need you there.” Closing the gap between the two of them, Jared pressed his lips to Jensen's. “I'll be here when you come home. I'm just going to get some sleep. Since you refuse to sleep with me at night.”

Another smile came to Jensen's lips when Jared pouted at him. “You're so cute when you're trying to get what you want,” Jensen teased. “Maybe tonight, baby. Depends on how tired I'm feeling.” Leaning in again, Jensen kissed Jared once more. “I won't stay late. I'll be home around 5. I love you.”

The entire drive to work, Jensen was unable to keep the smile off his face. Jared was back. And he was here to stay this time. At least, Jensen hoped that he was. After all, the younger man did tell him that he wasn't leaving him. Not ever. Jensen just hoped that was a true statement.

**~~**

“Jay, baby, I'm home!” Jensen called as he pushed his way into the house. “The traffic was insane out there. But I got us a pizza. Figured we could throw back a few cold ones and watch the game.” Tossing his keys and the pizza on the counter, Jensen frowned when he got no answer from Jared. “Baby?” he called out again. “Where are you?”

Still, there was no answer, causing Jensen to panic. Quickly, he made his way into the bedroom, his heart hammering against his chest. However, when he saw Jared sleeping in their bed, Jensen smiled softly. He looked so peaceful – Jensen could watch him sleep all day.

After a few minutes, Jared's eyes slowly blinked open. A small, sheepish smile came to his lips when he realized that Jensen had been watching him sleep. “Mmm...what time is it?” he asked, pushing himself into a seated position. “I must have dozed off for a lot longer than I'd intended to if you're standing there watching me.”

Unable to keep the smile off his lips, Jensen answered, “It's about six.” Slowly, he moved toward the bed, crawling in beside Jared. His eyes raked over the smooth planes of muscle exposed to him, Jensen involuntarily licking his lips as he thought about the other night when he and Jared had been together. “How long have you been sleeping, baby?”

Aware of the look his husband was giving him, Jared chuckled. “I don't know,” he answered with a small shake of his head. “Stop lookin' at me like that. We gotta eat dinner before you start getting thoughts like that. You look like you haven't eaten in days.” Pushing himself out of the bed, Jared pulled on a pair of sweatpants. “What do you wanna eat, babe?”

Not even trying to hide his disappointment, Jensen followed Jared as he made his way to the kitchen. “I got pizza,” he repeated, trapping Jared between his arms when the younger man leaned over the counter to see what toppings Jensen had decided on. “But I'd rather eat you.”

Chuckling, Jared turned in Jensen's grasp. “Babe, stop,” he chastised playfully. “You need to eat. _Real_ food. Not me.” Smirking, Jared leaned in to press his lips against Jensen's softly. He then kissed Jensen's cheek, continuing back to his ear. “But maybe after dinner we could play,” he whispered in Jensen's ear, nipping the lobe before he pulled back. “How many pieces do you want?”

**~~**

Over the next few days, Jensen and Jared spent as much time together as they possibly could. Jensen had called off work the past two days so he didn't have to leave Jared for ten hours a day. Sure, Jared had complained to no end about it, but Jensen didn't listen – he wanted to stay here with him. After all, Jensen had a ton of vacation days lined up that he had never taken, so he was due for some time off. 

Jared had been withholding sex for some reason that Jensen couldn't fathom. But tonight, he was going to change that. “Baby,” he all but whined against Jared's skin. “C'mon, quit teasing me.” His lips dragged along Jared's cheek down to his neck, sucking the sensitive flesh between his teeth. “I want you.”

“Mmmmm...I know babe,” Jared assured Jensen, tilting his head back to allow his lover better access to his neck. “I want you, too.” Gently, Jared pushed Jensen away from his neck, a small smile on his lips. “Why don't you go into the bedroom and wait for me there, babe? I'm gonna put away the food and get rid of these beer bottles, and then I'll be in.” Leaning in, Jared nipped Jensen's bottom lip. “Be naked for me, babe.”

Unable to suppress the moan that escaped him, Jensen smiled. “Yes, sir,” he smirked. As Jared walked past him, Jensen spanked his ass, chuckling when Jared complained. “You liked it, baby.” He chuckled as he made his way to their bedroom, pulling off his T-shirt on his way there. His jeans and boxers were the next thing to go. 

Once he was naked, Jensen flopped onto the bed, one arm behind his head as he waited for Jared to come into the room. Slowly, Jensen felt his eyelids start to get heavy. “Jay, baby?” he called, readjusting himself so he was a little more comfortable. “You comin', baby?”

That was the last thing Jensen remembered before his world went black.

**~~**

Jensen woke to the sound of his alarm blaring next to his ear. Groaning, he slapped his hand over the clock, silencing the device. “Jared?” he called, rolling onto his side. He dragged his hand down his face, another small groan leaving him. He felt awful. Like he was suffering from the aftermath of a drinking binge, though he didn't remember actually enjoying the alcohol. “Babe? What happened last night?”

When there was no answer from Jared, Jensen frowned. Panic gripped him tightly as he jumped out of the bed, grabbing his boxers and yanking them on. “Baby?” he called, heading into the living room. This was too much like the last time he'd fallen asleep and Jared wasn't there anymore. “Jared? Are you here?”

Just like last time, Jensen searched the whole house, but found no sign of Jared. As he circled back and checked the kitchen one more time, Jensen felt defeated. “Dammit!” he growled, slapping the empty pizza box sitting on the counter. It fell to the floor with a _thump_ as Jensen slid to the ground on the other side of the counter. 

Tears pricked at his vision, Jensen's hands coming up to card through his hair as his knees drew up close to his chest. _Gone. Jared was gone. Again._ Slowly, Jensen started rocking back and forth, his body shaking with the force of his sobs. “Please come back to me,” he whispered softly. “Please, Jared, baby, you promised.”

The sound of his phone buzzing beside him pulled Jensen from his thoughts. It was Danneel. “Hello?” he answered, biting into his bottom lip to hide the fact that he'd been sobbing as best as he could. 

_“Jensen?” Danneel replied. “Are you okay?”_

Although he knew Danneel couldn't see him, Jensen nodded. “Yeah, Danni, I'm fine,” he lied. He was most definitely _not_ fine. “What's up?”

_“Well, I was just wondering if you were coming in to work today,” Danneel answered. “It's just...you didn't call, and if you are, you're already an hour late. The boss is going to have your ass if you don't get here soon, Jen.”_

Work? Jensen had forgotten all about it! “Uh, yeah, Danni, I'm coming,” he assured her. “I can be there in twenty minutes.” With that, Jensen hung up the phone. He then pulled himself to his feet, groaning as his head screamed in pain with the action. 

Once he was dressed, Jensen sped toward the office, making it there in record time. He did his best to act normal – like he wasn't experiencing the world's worst hangover right now – but he wasn't sure how good of a job he was doing. Danneel was looking at him with one of her worried looks, and more than one co-worker had come over and asked if he was okay. Apparently, he wasn't doing as good of a job as he thought.

As the day dragged on, Jensen's mood and his condition seemed to worsen. He was tired – _so damn tired_. But he'd just slept almost thirteen hours, so he didn't understand it. His head was still pounding to high Heaven, even after he'd snaked three Ibuprofen from Danneel. Not to mention the muscle aches he was feeling – even just sitting in his chair seemed to piss his body off. And to top it off, he had the worst case of cotton mouth he could ever remember experiencing. It didn't matter how much water he guzzled down either – his mouth was just so dry.

When the end of the day finally came, Jensen couldn't have been happier. He didn't stick around the office to say his goodbyes like some of the employees before the weekend. Instead, he booked it to his car and sped out of the lot, just wanting to get home. He needed to sleep. Once he got some sleep, he was sure all of this would go away. 

Unfortunately, when Jensen got home, he couldn't sleep. His body seemed to be begging for some shut eye, but he just couldn't make his mind listen. That's when he figured something was wrong. He needed to talk to someone about this, and he knew just who to call. Forcing his aching body out of the guest bed, Jensen padded to the kitchen, snatching his phone off of the counter. 

Relief flooded through him when he heard Misha on the other end of the line. “Hey,” he breathed, pressing his thumb and index finger against the bridge of his nose to stave off the headache that was plaguing him. “S-Something's wrong with me. I-I feel like Hell.”

_“What do you mean you feel like Hell?” Misha asked, pressing his index finger against his ear in an attempt to drown out the noise behind him. “Like...tired, but you can't sleep. Maybe like you've just had the best night of your life, but you don't remember it? Muscle aches? Mouth is dry no matter how much you drink? That kinda Hell?”_

Again, Jensen felt relief wash over him. If Misha was explaining it that well, he had to know what the hell was wrong with him. “Yes, exactly like that,” he answered. “What the hell is happening to me?”

_“When's the last time you had a fix?” Misha asked. He rolled his eyes when Jensen started stumbling over his words, mumbling that he wasn't a damn junkie. “Meth, Jen, when was your last pill?”_

It hurt to think. Honestly, Jensen couldn't remember the last time he'd taken a pill. “Um...I don't know,” he answered with a shake of his head. “T-Three or four days, maybe? I don't remember. I just remember that I was with Jared. And then I fell asleep, and I woke up this morning feeling like shit. And it hasn't gone away all day. And I can't sleep. What the fuck is happening to me? How do I make it stop?!”

_”Relax, man, you're just coming down,” Misha explained calmly. “Just take another pill, and you'll feel fine.”_

Frowning, Jensen answered, “I can't. I don't have any more. I took the last one right before I saw Jared again.”

_“Do you have paper and a pen handy?” Misha asked. When Jensen gave him the go ahead, Misha continued, “I know a guy. His name is Mark Sheppard. He can get you the stuff. His number is (785)555-0179. Just tell him Misha sent you – he'll give you a good deal.”_

Jensen frowned once more as he took down the number, trying to keep his aching hand from shaking enough to make the numbers legible at least. “Okay, great. Thanks, Misha.”

He was about to hang up when he heard Misha say his name. _”And Jensen, don't run out of them again.”_ He chuckled softly as he heard Misha disconnect on the other line. He didn't wait long before he was dialing Mark's number.


	6. Chapter Six

Jensen frowned as he stepped out of the car, letting the door slam behind him. He wasn't sure how he felt about meeting a drug dealer in an alley, but he didn't have much choice as far as he was concerned. He needed those pills – it was the only thing letting him see Jared right now, and he just _needed_ it. Not to mention that he needed to feel better. His body was still aching and he just needed it all to stop.

At the end of the alley, a man was standing next to his shiny car, hands in his pockets as he waited for Jensen to get closer. “Hi, are you Mark?” Jensen asked when he finally reached him, his hands shaking. “I'm Jensen Ackles. Misha's friend? I talked to you on the phone last night.”

“Oh, well aren't you just a breath of fresh air?” Mark mused, eying Jensen from head to toe. “Well, Misha said you were attractive, but he didn't give you near justice, now did he?” Smirking, Mark moved to the trunk of his car, popping it open and rummaging inside. “So, how much of the goods were you looking for?”

Honestly, Jensen had no idea what he was looking for. But he'd done some research, and after a few exchanged e-mails with Misha, he had at least some semblance of what he needed. “Uh, I guess I just need a dime, for now,” Jensen answered, shoving his hands into his pockets as he looked around. He felt naked out here – exposed. Then again, he knew he was probably just being paranoid. After all, this was the first time he'd ever done something illegal.

Grabbing what he needed from the trunk, Mark slammed it closed to hide his goodies. “Here you are, mate,” he smiled, placing the baggie into Jensen's open palm. “That'll be $15.” Once he had his payment, Mark climbed into his car. “Oh, and Jensen, don't hesitate to call me when you need more. I'm always in the mood for repeat customers.”

With that, Mark was off, leaving Jensen alone in the alley. He eyeballed his little baggie, wondering if there would be enough in there for him to get high enough to see Jared. It had been _days_ since he'd seen his husband, and Jensen was starting to lose his mind. When he'd first started taking these pills, he'd seen Jared regularly after a few days. But now, it was like Jared was hiding from him. Or maybe, someone was keeping the younger man from him. 

Whatever the case was, Jensen needed it to stop. He needed to see Jared. He was going crazy not seeing him. Quickly, Jensen stuffed the baggie into his jacket pocket and climbed into his car. After he'd fired up the engine and started driving, he called Misha. The plan was for the other man to come over to Jensen's house so he could show him the ropes on how to smoke the drug instead of taking it orally. After all, Misha had explained that Jensen could get better results that way, so he was willing to give it a shot

At this point, if Misha told him that he had to use an eye dropper and instill it directly into his eyeball, Jensen would have done it – no matter how damn painful that sounded. He just _needed_ to see Jared. And Misha promised this would help, so he was counting on his friend here.

**~~**

Once he was back at his house, Misha came over. The lesson was short, but effective. And because Misha was such a stand up guy, he even left a little more product for Jensen so he'd have some on hand. “Now, Jen, remember what I said,” Misha cautioned. “You need to be more careful with it in this form. And sometimes, you might not see Jared, but don't over do it. You just gotta be patient with it, man.”

That was the problem. Jensen didn't want to be patient. He wanted to see Jared, and he wanted to see him now! But he knew he couldn't tell Misha that. He didn't want to make the other man think he wasn't capable of handling this drug. Jensen was more than capable. “Yeah, man, I know,” he assured his friend. “I was listening. And I won't do anything stupid. I promise.”

As soon as Misha was gone, Jensen felt that strange feeling that he'd had all day. Like he was being watched. Shaking it off, he headed to the guest bathroom, stripping out of his clothes as he went. He needed to take a shower. Much to his horror, Jensen couldn't remember the last time he'd taken one. His life had been a little hectic the last few days with him searching for Jared and all of that.

 _Jared_. Where the hell was he? As far as Jensen could remember, Jared had never stayed away from him for this long. Jensen felt a knot in the pit of his stomach. Maybe he _was_ being watched. And maybe whoever was watching him was keeping Jared away from him! Maybe Jared was trying to get to him, and he just couldn't!

By the time Jensen got out of the shower, the water was cold. He needed another hit. Maybe that was all it was going to take to see Jared. At this point, Jensen would try anything to get his lover back into his arms. Jensen wanted to pick up where they'd left off the last time. And he couldn't do that if Jared wasn't here!

He quickly dressed in a pair of baggy sweatpants before he took his seat on his chair. The pipe Misha had given him felt strange as he placed it between his lips. However, as soon as he inhaled that first pull, everything fell away. Sinking back into his chair, Jensen stared up at the ceiling. Now, he just had to wait. Jared would come. Jensen had to be patient. Jared would come.

**~~**

Four days, seventeen hours, fifty three minutes, and twenty four seconds – that's how long Jensen had been waiting for Jared to show up. Still, there was no sign of him. But there was one thing Jensen was certain of – he was being followed. He had no idea who was following him, but he could feel it. When he'd gotten out of his car this morning and walked to the elevator to get to work, there was definitely someone following him. Of course, no one else had gotten a glimpse of him, but Jensen knew he was there. 

For all Jensen knew, his co-workers had seen him too. And they just weren't telling him. After all, the last few days, Jensen had no idea who he could trust. He'd called Misha to tell him about the man that had been following him, and all Misha had been worried about was how much Jensen had smoked. Like that mattered at a time like this!

Clearly, Jensen was on his own. The first job he had was to figure out who was following him. Jensen had an idea that as soon as he figured that out, Jared would finally come to him. This person was clearly doing something to Jared. He was keeping him away, and that was unacceptable! Jensen wasn't going to stand for this. And if his friends weren't going to help him, he was going to do it on his own.

He jumped slightly when the door to his office slammed shut. Danneel threw the lock into place before she moved towards Jensen's desk. “Jensen, what is wrong with you today?” she demanded, worried about her friend. “You've been distant and dodgy all day. And you look like Hell.” Licking her lips, Danneel crossed her arms over her chest. “Jensen, are you drunk?”

Scoffing, Jensen shook his head. He was so much better than drunk. “No, I'm not drunk,” he promised. “I'm just...feeling off.” Glancing over his shoulder, Jensen leaned forward, elbows resting on his desk as he turned his attention back to Danneel. “There's someone following me. For a couple days now. I don't know who he is, but I can... _feel_ him.”

A deep frown marred Danneel's features at Jensen's explanation. “Jen,” she started, moving towards the desk, “no one is following you.” She had heard the story from some of their co-workers, but she needed to see this for herself. “There were people in that elevator with you this morning. No one was following you. It was just...you. Acting like a crazy person!” 

Danneel realized quickly that she was getting heated. Taking a slow breath, she willed herself to calm down. “Jensen, when was the last time you slept?” she asked, eyes raking over her friend's appearance. “You look like you've been awake for days. Maybe you should go home and get some rest.”

**~~**

The door slammed hard behind Jensen as he walked into his house. His breaths were panting out of him as he backed away from the door, eyes darting around the room. “Who are you?!” he demanded, a deep frown marring his features. “What do you want from me, huh?!” From what he could tell, there was no one else in this room – no one that he could see, anyway. But he could feel them. Someone was here with him. Just like they had been in the elevator.

Quickly, Jensen headed into the living room, grabbing his pipe. “I know you're here,” he explained to the empty room. “And I know you're trying to keep Jared away from me! But you can't. I'll see him, and you can't stop me!”

Jensen wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting in his chair. Nor did he know how many hits he'd taken. What he did know was that he was almost out of the product already. He'd have to make a call to Mark in the morning to get more. Shaking his head and blinking rapidly, Jensen took another hit.

Suddenly, Jared was there, his big hand pressed against Jensen's shoulder. “Jen, stop!” Jared ordered, shoving Jensen back against the chair he was sitting in. “Babe, you need to stop!” His eyes searched Jensen's, wet with unshed tears. “Jensen, please, you have to listen to me.”

As soon as Jared appeared before him, Jensen lost all train of thought. He felt like he was going to cry. “Jay, baby,” he breathed, choking back a sob. “I knew you'd come. He was trying to keep you away from me, but I knew you'd come.” Slowly, he reached up, cupping Jared's cheek. However, as soon as he touched Jared, the younger man flickered and disappeared. “No,” he gasped, shaking his head as he looked around the room frantically.

“Jared!” he called to the empty room. “No, no, no. Baby, come back!” His hands were on the pipe before he knew what he was doing. His eyes practically rolled back into his head when he took another hit. When he could focus again, Jared was back. But Jared wasn't the only thing there. A black figure was behind the younger man, watching him. “You stay the hell away from him!” Jensen ordered.

When Jensen jumped out of his chair, he felt weak. His hand shot out to hold onto the arm of the chair, his eyes blazing as he stared at the figure behind Jared. “Baby, come over here to me,” Jensen instructed, motioning for Jared to come to him. “Get away from him! He's been trying to keep you away from me!”

Jared's eyes were sad as he stared at Jensen. “Jen, there's no one else here,” he assured the older man. “What did you do?” His hands shook as he reached for the baggie holding what little of the methamphetamine Jensen had left. “Jensen...what the hell did you do?!”

Darkness was creeping into his vision. Jensen felt like he was going to collapse. “I had to,” he argued, reaching for the bag Jared was holding and snatching it from his lover's grasp. The bag slipped through his fingers as he felt all of his energy being drained from his body. Slowly, he fell to his knees, hand clutching at his side. His heart was beating erratically in his chest – he felt like he was dying. “This was the...only way I could see you, baby. I...just had to see you.”

The last thing Jensen saw before he fell to the ground was Jared's form flickering out of the room. “Baby,” he breathed, his eyes fluttering closed as he lost consciousness.

**~~**

Pain was the first thing Jensen noticed when he finally came to. His head was on fire, and the fluorescent lights were hurting his eyes. The steady beeping sound next to him was enough to drive him crazy. Slowly, Jensen looked around the room, taking in his surroundings. A hospital – he was in a hospital. “Hello?” he called out, trying to remember how the hell he'd gotten here.

Almost as soon as he called out, Danneel came rushing into the room. “Jensen,” she smiled, taking a seat next to him. “You're awake. How are you feeling?” She reached for the pitcher of water next to Jensen's bed and poured him a glass. “Here, drink this.”

Clearly confused, Jensen took the water that was offered to him. He downed almost the whole glass in one go. “What happened?” he finally asked, eyes darting around the room once more. He didn't remember coming to a hospital. “How'd I get here?”

Another deep frown marred Danneel's lips when Jensen asked how he'd gotten here. “Jensen, you don't remember?” she asked, unable to hide the worried tone in her voice. When Jensen shook his head, she merely sighed. She had no idea how she was supposed to tell him this. “Well, after I left work, I came over to check on you. Since you'd been freaking out at the office, I wanted to make sure that you were okay. Only, when I got there, I found you passed out on the floor.”

Anger rose deep inside Danneel, but she tried to fight it back. But she was mad – and not only at Jensen. She was more mad at herself for not seeing the signs that her friend had been in trouble. “How long have you been taking methamphetamine, Jensen?” she asked, trampling down her anger back to where it belonged. “And don't try to deny it, Jen. I _saw_ it. I saw you. You overdosed. You're just lucky I got there when I did, otherwise you'd be dead!”

She knew – his secret was out. Licking his lips, Jensen placed the empty glass on the night stand beside his bed. “A few weeks after Jared's accident,” Jensen finally answered. There was no use lying about it now. “I got my hands on some pills, and I started taking them. And then...I saw Jared.” _Jared_. Tears welled up behind Jensen's eyes at the thought of his dead husband. “Um...so I kept taking them so I could see him. But then, he stopped coming around. So, I just kept taking it. More and more until Jared came back. I guess...I got carried away.”

Unable to stop the tear from sliding down her cheek, Danneel quickly wiped it away. “How did you even get your hands on this stuff?” Danneel demanded. But before Jensen could answer, she rolled her eyes, figuring she had a pretty good idea. “It was Misha, wasn't it?” When Jensen shook his head and opened his mouth to speak, Danneel cut him off, “And don't even think about lying for him, Jensen! This is serious!”

Again, Jensen saw no reason to lie. “Fine, yeah, it was Misha,” he answered. “But don't say anything to him about it. This wasn't his fault. _I_ did this! He warned me what would happen if I took too much and I didn't care. So just leave him out of this.”

Although she wanted to go to Misha's apartment and rip him a new one, Danneel let it drop. “Fine,” she answered, pushing herself to her feet. “Look, I'm not saying that I agree with what you did, but I understand it.” Shaking her head, she turned toward the door. “This isn't going to be an easy road for you, Jensen. But you're going to get through this.” Again, she turned toward Jensen once she'd composed herself once more. “I've already called Chris and Steve. They're on their way here right now. We're going to help you get through this, Jen.”

“How?” Jensen asked, moss green eyes locked on Danneel's own. “How are you going to help me through this, Danneel? How is _anyone_ going to help me through this?!” It was hopeless as far as Jensen was concerned. “Jared is _dead_! I'm never going to be with him again! Never going to touch him again! Never going to _see_ him again! How can you make that better?!”

Danneel was really trying to keep it together, but Jensen was making it hard. “By being there for you, Jensen!” she explained, taking a step closer to Jensen's bed. “I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but this is _not_ the way to deal with it, Jensen! You almost killed yourself! You could have come to me and asked me for help, Jensen!”

Taking a deep breath, Danneel composed herself once more. “I'm sorry,” she apologized. “But this is happening. Once you're discharged, you're going to get better. And this is all going to be in the past, Jen. We'll be there for you as long as you need us to be. And we'll all get through this.”

Honestly, Jensen didn't believe Danneel. Without Jared, there was no point to any of this. Jensen knew that. He just didn't understand why his friends couldn't accept it. “Fine,” he mumbled, deflated. “Where are you going?”

Now that she knew Jensen was on board, Danneel needed to get some things ready. “I have to go pick Chris and Steve up from the airport,” she answered. “And then I have to take them to your place. And we have to get rid of everything that you had there involving your...addiction.” She still couldn't believe this was happening. “I'll be back when the doctor discharges you and I can take you home.”

With that, Danneel left the room, leaving Jensen alone with his thoughts.


	7. Chapter Seven

Jensen frowned at the front door of his house as Danneel cut the engine. This was the last place he wanted to be, honestly. He knew that Christian and Steve were in there waiting for him, and he knew that meant a lecture. He just wasn't in the mood for a lecture right now. He wasn't in the mood for anything. All Jensen wanted to do was go lay down and never get up again.

But he knew that wasn't an option. Danneel was intent on “fixing” him. Jensen knew there was nothing that could fix him. Nothing that he could have, anyway. He wanted Jared. That was the only thing right now that could fix him, and that just wasn't possible. Whatever product Jensen had left, Danneel had taken it and gotten rid of it. So aside from calling Misha and trying to score, there was nothing he could do. Danneel would know if he tried to contact Misha, and his plan would be spoiled before he even had a chance to let it unfold.

Still, there had to be a way to get his hands on some L.A. – he just had to think outside of the box. After all, it hadn't even been a full twenty-four hours and he was already craving a hit. And it wasn't the feeling he got from getting high – that had nothing to do with it. Jensen wasn't some junkie who lived for the thrill of the high – he just wanted to see his husband. Jared had been so mad at him the last time he'd seen him. Jensen needed to fix that.

Much to his surprise, when he walked into his house, Christian and Steve merely pulled him into a hug. He'd been expecting the lecture, and the screaming, and possibly even some violence. But he hadn't expected to be pulled into a tight embrace by both men. That was the last reaction he thought he'd be getting.

When the hug broke, Christian held Jensen at arms length, sad eyes searching his friend.”It's good to see you again, Jen,” Christian smiled. His eyes were wet with unshed tears as he released Jensen, moving towards the couch where he had been sitting before Jensen got home. “So, we've been thinking of things to do while you guys were driving home, and Steve and I came up with a pretty decent list. This stuff should keep us occupied for a couple of days, at least.”

A couple of days – just what Jensen wanted to do. Sit around the house where everything reminded him of Jared and goof off with his friends who were basically glorified babysitters at this point. Had Jensen not screwed up and overdosed, he knew they wouldn't be here right now. So, it was going to be tough to get some time to himself, but Jensen was determined. 

Sure, it was a bad idea to lie to his friends. He knew that. But that didn't mean he was going to change his mind. He _needed_ Jared. Jensen didn't _need_ his friends. They were nice to have, sure, but they were nothing compared to the love of his life. And if getting high was the only way Jensen could see Jared, then he was going to do what he had to do. He was just going to have to be more careful about it.

“Great,” Jensen smiled, moving to sit in his chair. “Uh, what did you want to do first? I mean, if you guys are hungry, I can call and order a pizza, or something. I don't really have any food in the house right now. I've been meaning to get to the grocery store. I've just been...busy.”

Another sad smile crossed Christian's lips at the mention of food. “Don't worry about it, Jen,” he explained. “Steve and I already ordered Chinese. It should be ready to grab soon. And we can hit the grocery store sometime tomorrow. Maybe while you and Danneel are at work. Just make us a list of essentials, and we'll handle it.”

Honestly, Jensen was starting to wonder if he was a prisoner in his own house. He wasn't even allowed to go to the grocery store, now? “I can go to the grocery store after work,” Jensen argued, waving off his friends. “I mean, it'll be good for me to get out of the house, right? Go back to normal?” After all, they wouldn't be here forever. Jensen needed everything to be normal. 

Steve frowned at Jensen's suggestion. “No, we got it, Jen,” he assured him. “I mean, why make you go out shopping after work when we have nothing to do all day? We'd be happy to help.” Chuckling, he slapped Christian on the arm. “Besides, we have to pick up some special candy for this big guy here, otherwise he'll be a holy terror for his stay. He finished his on the way over here.”

It was an excuse – Jensen knew that. But he figured that it didn't matter. He wasn't getting to the grocery store tomorrow. He'd go to work, and then he'd contact Mark. Jensen wasn't exactly sure what he was going to say to Mark, or how he was going to get a minute alone, but he had time to work out those details.

He didn't waste his time trying to deter his friends from keeping him on lock down any more that evening. Instead, he watched some television with them, had a beer, and managed to pass out on the couch. Jensen was still tired – like he hadn't slept in weeks. Of course, he knew that wasn't the case. He knew what this was about – he _needed_ it. When he didn't get a hit, he felt tired. And there was absolutely no chance of seeing Jared. Jensen needed to talk to Mark as soon as possible.

**~~**

Texting turned out to be the easiest way to get in contact with Mark with his friends watching him like hawks. Jensen had managed to get a refill of the supply Danneel had taken away from him without anyone being suspicious. And he deleted the text messages so no one could get his phone and bust him later. Now, all he had to figure out was a way to break free for about thirty minutes so he could go pick it up. 

Finally, Jensen decided that he could disguise this as a business meeting and have Mark come to the office with his supply. Danneel wouldn't suspect anything fishy was going on at their place of work, and Mark had been a snappy dresser from what Jensen remembered. It wouldn't be much of a stretch to look at him and think he was a high class, wealthy businessman.

Within the hour, Jensen had his pick me ups tucked safely in his pocket and he was bidding Mark a good day. He couldn't wait to get out of the office now. All he could think about was getting back to his place so he could see Jared. It felt like it had been so long since he'd seen the younger man. He needed him. 

The rest of the day seemed to go by in a blur. When the clock struck 5:00, Jensen shut off his computer and headed to the main elevator where Danneel was supposed to meet him. His skin was tingling with excitement as he rocked back and forth on his heels, waiting for the other woman. She was keeping him from being with Jared. “Danneel,” he greeted when he finally saw her. “C'mon, I'm starving.” Honestly, he wasn't all that hungry, but it was a good excuse to get out of here.

“Well, Christian and Steve are making dinner,” Danneel frowned at him. “It should be ready by the time we get there.” Stepping into the elevator in front of Jensen when he motioned for her to do so, Danneel took the opportunity to check Jensen over. He seemed on edge. Not that she could really blame him. This was a lot to take in. Jensen was used to being on his own and taking care of himself, and now he had three of his closest friends basically babysitting him. She knew it was going to be a hard transition for him.

By the time they got home, Jensen practically jumped out of the car before she even had it parked. “Jensen!” she called after her friend, eyes wide with concern. “Are you sure you're okay?”

He was blowing it. Danneel was going to think there was something up and Jensen was going to lose his drugs. “Yeah,” he assured her, chuckling softly as he shook his head. “I'm just hungry. And I was cooped up at the office all day. I'm just...not feeling myself right now. I wanna get some food into me and then get to bed. I've been...really tired lately.”

Another frown came to Danneel's lips when Jensen explained that he was tired. She could only imagine what he was going through. After losing his husband and then his downward spiral that no one even realized was happening. And the doctors told her that Jensen was going to feel fatigued during the withdrawal stages. She just wished there was more she could do to help. “Okay,” she smiled. “Well, Chris and Steve should have something good up there.”

They walked into the house together, Jensen holding the door for Danneel before he allowed it to close behind himself. “I'm gonna hit the bathroom real fast before we eat. I'll be out in a second.” Once he was away from his friends, Jensen locked the door to the bathroom. Quickly, he rummaged through the cabinet under the sink, praying that Danneel hadn't found his pipe when she'd cleaned out his home. He knew that the one he kept on the table was surely gone, but he hoped that his spare that Misha had given him was still safely tucked away.

When he found it stashed where he'd left it, Jensen almost let out a cry of relief. Luckily, he was able to keep it at bay. Quickly, he moved toward the window, pushing it open. That first hit was like Heaven. Jensen immediately felt his body start to calm down, while at the same time he felt like electricity was running through his veins. 

Immediately, he felt better. All day, he'd felt like he was in a fog. And now, that fog had been lifted. Jensen just felt like he could take on anything. He didn't waste any time stashing the pipe under the sink where he'd left it once he was finished. He then quickly rinsed out his mouth, flushed the toilet, and joined his friends in the kitchen. “What'd you make me for dinner?” Jensen asked. “I'm starving.”

**~~**

Three days had passed since Jensen scored meth from Mark without his friends knowing, and he _still_ hadn't seen Jared. Jensen was starting to wonder if maybe Jared was mad at him because of what he'd done. But he'd only done it so he could see his husband! He'd just wanted so desperately to see Jared!

Sighing, he pushed himself away from his desk. The day was almost over, and he just wanted to get home. Christian and Steve were going out tonight, and Danneel was working late, which meant Jensen had the house to himself for a little while. He was taking this as a good sign. If his friends were willing to leave him alone for a few hours, it meant that they were starting to trust him again.

Any why wouldn't they?! Jensen had been so good lately. Multiple people had complimented him on his new “upbeat” attitude. And Jensen had been very careful to keep his little secret hidden. Even Danneel seemed pleased with him. And she was the one he had to watch out for the most – she knew him better than anyone, and she always had her watchful eye on him.

Gently, he rapped his fingers against the door frame of Danneel's office, smiling at his friend when she glanced up at him. “I'm heading out,” he smiled. “Do you want me to pick you up anything from that little Chinese place down the street from the house? I figured since no one else will be home, I'd just grab some take out.”

“Oh, um, no thanks, Jen,” Danneel answered, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “I'm gonna be here a while still. Anything you grab me will be cold by the time I get there. And you know there's nothing worse than cold Chinese.”

Jensen laughed out loud when Danneel expressed her hatred for cold Chinese. “Yeah, you're right,” he agreed. “All right, well I'll leave the door open. I might be asleep when you get home depending on how late you'll be. It's been a...long week.”

With one last smile shot in Danneel's direction, Jensen headed out of the office. He got home in record time, not even bothering to stop at the restaurant and get himself some food. Jensen wasn't in the mood for Chinese. He wanted something a little more...Polish tonight.

As soon as he was in his house, he moved to the bathroom and grabbed his supplies. He was being more careful this time. After all, if he overdosed again, his secret would be blown. And he wouldn't get lucky enough to have a third chance at his friend's not realizing what he was up to. So he'd laid off the drugs yesterday, but he needed another hit right now. He needed to see Jared.

After about an hour of sitting in his chair staring at the black TV screen, Jensen thought he was going to lose his mind. “Jared?” he called, eyes moving to the ceiling as if he were praying. “Baby, please? Come back to me?” Still, there was no answer. “Please?” he begged again, leaning forward in his chair and letting his head fall forward. “I need you, Jay. I'm losing it here. I can't be here without you. Please?”

Tears tracked down his cheeks as he held his head in his hands. If he couldn't see Jared, then what was the point of all of this? There wasn't one. All he ever wanted was to see his husband. To be with him again. And if he couldn't do that, then Jensen just wished he wasn't here. Danneel should have just let him die that night she found him on the floor. 

Suddenly, a hand pressed against Jensen's cheek, pulling the older man from his thoughts. His eyes widened when he saw Jared kneeling in front of him. “Jared!” he exclaimed, pushing himself off the chair and into his husband's arms, knocking them both over. “Baby, I thought I was never going to see you again! I missed you so much!”

Before he allowed Jared to speak, Jensen crushed their lips together, moaning as the taste of Jared exploded over his tongue. As the kiss continued, Jensen became bolder, his hand sliding between their bodies to grope at Jared's chest, sliding down until he reached the bulge in Jared's jeans.

“Jensen, stop,” Jared moaned, his large hand wrapping around Jensen's own and pulling it away from his body. “Babe, we need to talk about this.” Jensen groaned in protest against Jared's neck where he was sucking on his skin, making no move to stop. “Jensen, I'm serious. We have to talk.”

Although stopping was the last thing Jensen wanted, he finally did as he was told. “What is it, baby?” he pouted, straddling Jared's hips so the younger man couldn't go anywhere. “Can't we talk about it later? There are a hundred, a _thousand_ other things that I could think about doing with you right now. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever, baby.”

A deep frown marred Jared lips when Jensen spoke. “No, Jen, we can't talk about it later,” he argued, pushing onto his elbows. His eyes ticked to the baggie of methamphetamine and the pipe on the end table where Jensen had left it. “What the hell are you thinking? Taking this shit again? Jensen, you almost died!” 

Now, it was Jensen's turn to frown. Honestly, he felt a little offended that Jared even had to ask why he was doing this. “You know why!” he answered, angry moss green orbs locking with concerned champagne hazels. “It's the only way I can see you!”

Jared wiggled his way out from under Jensen, shaking his head. “Jensen, you have to stop this!” he demanded. “Your friends are trying to help you, and you're doing everything you can to shut them down! How do you think they're going to feel if they have to come in here and find you unconscious on the floor again, barely breathing, because you needed to see me?!”

His friends?! Jared was seriously going to lecture him about this?! “How do you think _I_ felt when I had to see you lying there in that hospital bed, Jared?!” he countered, feeling tears well up behind his eyes again. “How do you think I felt when I had to watch them put you in the ground?! When I had to come back to this house – _our_ house – all alone?! Without you! Do you think I give a damn about these people? Jared, I would give them all up in a _second_ if it meant I could see you again!”

Deflated, Jared hung his head. “Don't say that,” he whispered. “Jensen, I'm dead.” Sad, champagne hazel eyes locked on Jensen's once more. “I died. And you're still here. You can't...keep doing this, Jensen. You're going to kill yourself. And then yeah, maybe you won't have to deal with the aftermath of it, but your friends will. Think about how you felt when I died. That's how they're going to feel if you die.”

Honestly, Jensen shook his head and spat, “I don't care.” Moving towards Jared, Jensen cupped his husband's face in both hands, pressing a soft kiss to Jared's lips. “I can't stop, Jared. I've tried to live without you, and I can't. Please...don't judge me for this. You can't tell me if our roles were reversed, you wouldn't do everything in your power to see me. I know you would.”

Jared couldn't deny the fact that Jensen was right about that. “Yeah, you're right,” he admitted. “I would.” Pressing his lips to Jensen's forehead, Jared sighed, arms wrapping around the older man. “I'm sorry. I don't agree with what you're doing, but I can understand it.” Pulling back, Jared cupped Jensen's cheek, forcing him to look into his eyes. “But you look like hell. Come to bed with me. Just...you need to get some sleep.”

“When I sleep, you leave me,” Jensen argued. “You always leave me. And I can't. I can't lose you again, Jay.” But Jensen had to admit that he was a little tired. Okay, _a lot_ tired. He couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten a good night's sleep. Sure, he'd go to his room at a decent hour and made his friends think he was hitting the hay, but he'd just stare up at the ceiling most nights. Sometimes, he would work on projects that needed to be finished for work, but when he ran out of those, there was nothing to do but think. And he hated thinking. “I can't go to sleep, anyway. My mind won't let me.”

It hurt to see Jensen like this. Gently, Jared pulled back, his hand sliding into Jensen's and lacing their fingers together. “Babe, I can help you sleep,” he promised. “Just come to bed with me. Just hold me.” He tugged Jensen toward the bedroom, closing the door behind them. When he climbed into the bed, he pat the mattress. “C'mon, Jen. Hold me. I can help you go to sleep.”

He didn't want to sleep. “I can't,” Jensen argued, shaking his head. “You'll leave me. Every time I go to sleep, you leave me.” Still, the idea of laying in bed next to Jared – _holding_ Jared again – was almost too good to pass up. Isn't this what Jensen had been hoping for when he sat in that chair and begged Jared to come to him?

Slowly, Jared pushed himself toward the end of the bed, one hand wrapping around Jensen's wrist. “Babe, I won't leave you,” he promised, tugging at Jensen's wrist. “I'll be right here the whole time. I'm _always_ right here, Jen.”

Without much resistance, Jensen crawled into bed beside his husband. Once he was lying on his side, Jared maneuvered them so that Jensen's arm was wrapped around his waist and Jared was pressed with his back facing Jensen so tightly that there was no space between the two of them. Jared's fingers gently ran up and down Jensen's arm soothingly. When he felt Jensen's breathing steady out, Jared smiled, closing his eyes and snuggling up closer to his lover.

**~~**

Danneel sighed softly as she pushed the door closed behind her. It was a lot later than she had originally thought she was going to get home, so she made sure to be quiet. Jensen had said he was going to bed, and she didn't want to disturb him. After all, Jensen needed all the sleep he could get. He'd had a lot of bad nights in the last few months, and Danneel could only imagine how long it would take for him to catch up on sleep from that.

Once she discarded her keys on the island, she rummaged through the fridge for something to eat. Christian and Steve had been making dinner for them almost every night this week, so she figured there had to be left overs she could dive into.

About two minutes later, equipped with a reheated chicken breast and macaroni and cheese, Danneel made her way into the living room. A little bit of television always helped to put her right to sleep. However, the sight she was met with was anything but happy.

There, on the coffee table in plain sight was a baggie of methamphetamine and a pipe. Anger boiled inside Danneel as she all but slammed her plate down and grabbed the items. She had half a mind to storm into Jensen's bedroom and scream at him for this right now. 

Angrily, Danneel moved toward Jensen's room, pushing the door open. As soon as she saw him though, her anger slowly melted away. He was asleep. His arm was wrapped around one of his pillows, and he was spooning it like it was his lover. Since Jensen's overdose, Danneel had done some reading and an insane amount of research on Jensen's drug of choice. Not to mention the knowledge she had from Jensen. She could only imagine that Jensen thought that pillow was Jared.

And that broke Danneel's heart. Sighing once more, she slowly headed back into the living room. She'd dispose of Jensen's things and deal with this in the morning.


	8. Chapter Eight

Jensen groaned as felt consciousness slowly pulling at his brain. He wasn't ready to wake up. The dream he'd been having of Jared was too good to let go just yet. _Jared – he was here with Jensen now. He could wake up and act out this specific dream_. 

A wide smile came to Jensen's lips as he rolled onto his side, reaching for his husband. However, there was no one there. “Jared?” Jensen mumbled, eyes slowly blinking open. “Baby, where'd you go?” His hand connected with a pillow, Jensen growling in frustration before he shoved it off the bed. Jared had promised that he wasn't going to leave him. 

Sighing, Jensen pushed himself out of bed. He'd have his morning coffee, chat with Danneel and then find some excuse to get away for a little while so he could get high. The sooner he had another hit, the sooner he could see Jared again. 

At least, that was the plan before he saw Danneel in the kitchen on her cell phone. She seemed angry. She was talking in hushed tones with whoever was on the other line. Jensen didn't like it. He felt out of the loop. Making his way to the coffee pot, he made sure to be extra loud so Danneel knew he was awake. If there was something happening, Jensen wanted to be in on it.

Almost as soon as Danneel saw that Jensen was awake, she ended the call. Her attention then turned to her friend, a sad smile on her lips. “So, Jen, what did you do last night while I was at work?” she asked, giving Jensen the opportunity to come clean with her right off the bat.

That was an odd question. Was this a test? Jensen didn't like to be tested. “Um...nothing really,” he answered with a small shrug. It wasn't like he was lying. He'd come home and literally sat on the couch waiting for Jared to make an appearance. “I just...got some Chinese. Watched a little TV. And then I went to bed.”

The small smile on Danneel's lips quickly faded when Jensen lied to her about his previous night's shenanigans. “Jensen, please don't lie to me,” she frowned. When he opened his mouth to speak, she could tell by the look on his face that he was going to try to make something up again. “I found your pipe,” she blurted out. “And I found your stash.”

 _I found your pipe. And I found your stash._ The words rang through Jensen's head like a mantra. He didn't know what to say. She knew now. Danneel knew that he was using again, and she was going to make him stop, which meant he wasn't going to be able to see Jared again. How was he supposed to cope without seeing Jared? What was he supposed to do? “Oh,” he mumbled, sinking back against the counter, obviously defeated.

“Oh?” Danneel repeated? “Is that all you have to say for yourself, Jensen?” She could feel her anger rising once more, but she knew she had to keep it held back. Christian wanted her to wait to have this conversation with Jensen until they got back from the hotel they'd spent the night in together, but she just couldn't. How could she be expected to keep this inside when she had so many damn feelings about it. 

Yes. Really, Jensen didn't know what to say. “What do you want me to say?” Jensen asked, unable to look his friend in the eyes. “That I'm sorry? That it won't happen again? That I didn't mean to do it?” None of that was true. So Jensen wasn't willing to say any of those things. He wasn't sorry that he was using so he could see Jared again. And if the opportunity presented itself, he'd 100% do it again. He was aware of his actions, and he didn't regret them for a second.

“You're damn right it won't happen again!” Danneel snapped, instantly regretting her outburst when Jensen shrunk back against the counter further. “Look, Jen, I'm sorry. I understand why you did it. And I understand why you would want to keep doing it, but you can't! This _will_ kill you, Jensen!” A single tear slipped down Danneel's cheek as she continued, “When I came in here last night and saw that stuff on the table, I feared the worst! But then I went into your room, and I saw you sleeping with that pillow, and I get it. But Jensen, Jared's gone. And he's not coming back. And I won't lose you too because of it!”

 _Jared's gone. And he's not coming back._ The words cut like knives. Somewhere deep down, Jensen knew that Jared was gone for good. He knew that when he got high, it wasn't actually Jared that he was seeing. But that didn't make it any less real for him. “I know,” he whispered, tears sliding down his cheeks. “I know Jared's gone. And I can't...feel anything other than pain because of it. But when I...get high...I can see him.”

Seeing that Danneel was going to speak again, Jensen quickly interrupted her. “And I know it's not real, okay? You don't need to tell me that it's a lie. I know that! But how can you expect me to give that up? Seeing Jared...even if it's not real...it's better! I'd rather live a lie than not see him at all, Danneel!”

Now Danneel was crying. Her friend was just so hurt, and she had no idea how to help him. “Jensen, you have to give it up _because_ it's a lie!” she explained. “And it's dangerous! How long before you overdose again, huh?! And you might not be so lucky this time around! You could die!” Shaking her head, Danneel lowered her gaze to the floor. “Do you think this is what Jared would want for you, Jen?” 

She knew it was a low blow, but it had to be said. Nothing else was getting through to Jensen. And Danneel was at a loss. She wouldn't let Jensen throw away his life like this. Even if it killed her, she was going to make sure Jensen didn't use again.

Anger quickly replaced sadness when Danneel asked about Jared's feelings. Did Jared care about Jensen's feelings when he got into that car and drove off? Had he thought for one second to come back home and just talk to Jensen about it? Maybe, if he'd been ten minutes later – here at the house talking through their problems with his _husband_ – Jared would still be alive. But instead he'd left. And he got killed. 

Straightening where he stood, Jensen puffed out his chest in rage. “I stopped giving a damn about what Jared wanted when the doctors told me there was nothing more they could do,” he spat, one last tear falling from his eye before he stormed past Danneel and hid in his room. The only problem with hiding in his room was that everything in here still reminded him of Jared.

More tears spilled from Jensen's eyes as he crawled onto his bed. His arms wrapped around the pillow he'd woken up beside this morning, Jensen pressing his face into the soft material as he bawled. The fact that it still held Jared's scent even after all this time had Jensen sobbing harder.

**~~**

Three weeks, three days, twenty hours, seven minutes, and eighteen seconds. That's how long it took Jensen to finally convince his friends that he wasn't in danger of using anymore. How long it took Jensen to convince his friends that he wasn't so sad that he was going to give up. How long it took Jensen to _finally_ have some time to himself. 

Of course, it had all been a lie. Well, not _all_ of it – he wasn't using anymore. But it wasn't by choice. Mark wouldn't sell to him anymore. Danneel had somehow figured out that he was Jensen's supplier and she'd made a few calls. Apparently, that was “bad for business.” So even if Jensen wanted to score, he had no idea who to turn to. Danneel had also made it so Misha wouldn't speak to him either.

And yes, Jensen knew that his friend was just trying to help. She was doing all of these things for Jensen's benefit. Danneel just wanted him to be able to get back to his normal, happy self. And for a little while, Jensen almost believed his own lies. 

For almost a month, he'd put on a happy face. He'd gone through the signs of withdrawal, and he'd overcome them. Even when he thought he was going to lose his mind, he'd prevailed. Well...mostly. The depression was still there. It was holding on like a toxic relationship, and no matter how many times he tried to kick it to the curb, it would always come back.

Today, he was done fighting. Today, Jared would have been 32. Today, Jensen was giving up.

His friends had all been in contact with him earlier that day to check up on him. Christian and Steve offered to come over and hang out even. But Jensen just wasn't in the mood. He'd played it off well. Made up some lie about Jared's parents coming into town to visit the grave site with Jensen later. And for all he knew, it may have been true. Jensen didn't really speak to the Padalecki's since Jared's accident. He was sure they still blamed him for Jared's death.

And that was fine. Hell, Jensen still blamed himself, so why shouldn't they? If Jensen had just stopped Jared from going to the store, this never would have happened. Jared would be here with Jensen right now, wrapped in a tangle of limbs while Jensen showed Jared just how much he still loved him to this day.

But Jared wasn't here. Taking another swig from his beer, Jensen grabbed the picture frame in front of him, smiling at the memory. It seemed so long ago now that he and Jared had said _I do_. Still, Jensen remembered it like it had been yesterday.

_”Do you have cold feet yet?” Christian asked as he helped Jensen with his tie, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “I know when the day comes for me to marry Steve, I'm going to have cold feet. That's probably why I haven't asked him yet.”_

_Jensen chuckled as he listened to Christian speaking. “Aren't you supposed to be making me feel better about this?” he asked, raising a brow. “Isn't that your job as my best man?” Again, he laughed when Christian made a joke about Jensen choosing the wrong guy for the job. Honestly, he never would have dreamed of having another person up here with him on his special day._

_It took him a minute to reminisce on all of the good times between himself and Jared that brought them to this day. He even thought about all of the hiccups they'd had over the years, and still, here they were. They were finally tying the knot. And Jensen knew just how to answer Christian's question. “No,” he smiled confidently. “I'd never have cold feet when it came to Jared. I love him. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him.”_

_After Christian slapped him on the shoulder and called him a sap, they made their way into the church. He took his place by the alter and he waited for his beautiful husband to join him there. The way Jared walked with the music, and how damn handsome he looked – it was all so perfect. Jensen had been dreaming about this day since the moment he had laid eyes on Jared Tristan Padalecki. And now, it was finally happening._

_He couldn't help the wide smile that came to his lips when he was finally able to take Jared's shaking hands into his own. Jared had never liked crowds. Just last night, he'd been making a stink about having so many eyes on him all at once. However, almost immediately after taking Jensen's hands, Jared's hands stopped shaking – as if just being with Jensen made everything else go away._

_When the priest instructed Jensen to repeat after him, Jensen didn't miss a beat. His eyes were locked on Jared's the whole time. Jared was the only other person in this room as far as Jensen was concerned. “I, Jensen, take you, Jared, to be my husband,” Jensen recited. “To have and to hold from this day forward. For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health...til death do us part.”_

_Til death do us part._ At the time, neither of them had actually believed that death would part them so soon. Tears tracked down Jensen's cheeks as he took another pull from his beer bottle. _Jared's gone. And he's not coming back._ Again, Jensen drank, finishing his fifth bottle.

There was still one more bottle in the pack. Jensen had promised himself that he was going to finish it tonight. And if by the time the sixth bottle was empty, he was still conscious, then he would know this was how it was supposed to happen. He cracked the cap on the final bottle as he continued to gaze at their wedding photo.

_”I, Jared, take you, Jensen, to be my husband,” Jared spoke with a sure tone. “To have and to hold from this day forward. For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health...til death do us part.”_

_Almost as soon as Jared finished the words, Jensen surged forward, capturing his husband's lips with his own. He didn't even care if the priest had given them permission yet. At that moment, all he could think about was sealing their marriage with a kiss._

_When they walked out of the church, everyone was throwing confetti at them and blowing bubbles to celebrate their love. Jensen didn't even care that he had confetti in his hair and his cheeks were wet where bubbles had popped against his skin because Jared looked just as disheveled as he did. Only Jared made it seem so much cuter than Jensen could._

_Plucking a piece of confetti from Jared's shaggy hair once they were in the limousine, Jensen smiled. “How do you look so good even with little pieces of confetti in your hair?” Jensen teased, leaning in for another kiss. Their fingers laced together and Jensen felt their wedding bands clanking together. He'd never felt anything so good in his entire life._

The tears were slowly starting to come to a stop now. Jensen was sure he had nothing left in him to cry. After all, he'd been crying all day. His final beer was already half gone as he gently put the photo down. Instead, he picked up the bottle of Ativan sitting in the middle of the counter. He remembered when he'd been put on these pills how much he'd hated them. Now, they were about to be his saving grace.

_Arms wrapped around him as he raced towards the wreckage. “No! Let go of me!” he ordered, struggling against whoever was keeping him from getting closer to the car. “That's Jared's car! I'm his husband!” Still, he wasn't released. Fear bled away to anger as Jensen turned and shoved whoever was keeping him from Jared. “Get the hell off of me! That's my husband!”_

_Jared's body was loaded into an ambulance and Jensen's mind was blank. He didn't even remember how he got to the hospital, or what had been said before he was directed to a waiting area. The minutes felt like hours as he sat there with no information about Jared._

_He'd known before the doctor even spoke that there was something wrong. But he'd refused to believe it. “I was the responding doctor on your husband's case,” the man spoke. Jensen could see his lips moving, but he couldn't process all of. “When he was brought here to us...his injuries were just too extensive. I'm sorry...but there was nothing we could do.”_

The beer bottle almost feel from Jensen's fingers as he took another long pull. It was almost empty. Probably only had one or two swigs left in it. Just enough left. And Jensen was still conscious. He was still in his right mind – or, at least as right of a mind as he'd had going into this. It was time.

Today, he was done fighting. Today, Jared would have been 32. Today, Jensen was giving up.

It didn't take long to pop the cap on the pill bottle off, even in his drunken state. Gently, he pressed the bottle to his lips, head tilting back as he dumped half of the bottle into his mouth. He chased that mouthful with a drink of beer, groaning softly as his throat burned. _There was nothing we could do._

After a moment, Jensen repeated the action, finishing both the pill bottle and the beer bottle this time. Once he'd swallowed, Jensen picked up the photo of his and Jared's wedding again. His finger slowly traced down his husband's beautiful face. His index finger rubbed at the dimple denting Jared's cheek. He'd always loved seeing those dimples when Jared smiled. _Jared's gone. And he's not coming back._

Jensen sat at the counter with that picture in his hands until his vision began to blur. Slowly, he let the photo slip from his fingers, pushing himself to his feet. The room started spinning as soon as he stood, Jensen reaching out for the counter top to steady himself. His fingers hit the beer bottle, sending it shattering to the floor. 

_I, Jensen, take you, Jared, to be my husband._

It took everything Jensen had in him to make his way to the bedroom. He kept his hand on the wall for support the whole way there. He was so tired. But he needed one more thing before he could relax. In the closet, Jensen found Jared's favorite hoodie. Jensen had given it to him on their one year anniversary. And Jared had worn it pretty much every night since then.

_To have and to hold from this day forward._

Hoodie in hand, Jensen slowly made his way to the bed, all but falling onto the mattress when he was close enough. It was getting harder to breathe. He felt like there was an elephant sitting on his chest. But he pushed through the pain, neatly laying the hoodie out on Jared's side of the bed.

_For better, for worse._

Once the hoodie was where he wanted it, Jensen finally laid down beside it. Another tear tracked down his cheek as Jensen pressed his face into the hoodie, breathing in deeply. He didn't care how much effort it took to get that breath in – he needed to smell Jared on that hoodie like he'd done so many times before.

_For richer, for poorer._

Jensen was so tired. He could feel his eyes slipping closed. Each time they did, it became harder and harder for Jensen to open them. He'd known what would happen when he took those pills, and he was ready.

_In sickness and in health..._

Although it felt almost completely impossible, Jensen allowed his eyes to open one last time. A wide smile came to his lips when he saw that Jared was laying in the bed beside him, wearing that ridiculous hoodie that Jensen had bought for him for their one year anniversary. “Hi baby,” he whispered, his throat burning from the effort. “I've missed you... _so_ much.”

“Shhh....” Jared whispered, a single tear slipping down his cheek as he reached for Jensen. His thumb brushed along Jensen's jaw, sliding up his cheek to wipe away Jensen's own tears. “It's okay, babe. I'm here now. And I'm _never_ leaving you again.” Leaning in, Jared pressed his lips to Jensen's own. He received nothing in response, Jensen's lips already becoming cold. “Just go to sleep, babe. I'll be right here.”

_...til death do us part._


End file.
